Say My Name
by Sushigirl07
Summary: Was Deleted: Say My Name: He was drunk and she had been lusting after him since she day one. The aftermath of a one night stand between Spike and Faye. F/S
1. Say My Name

**Say My Name**

AN: This got deleted somehow. Written in 2003. **_//Song Lyrics//_**

* * *

On The Bebop

3:00 a.m.

_**//You want me to say your name, right?  
Alright//**_

She sat alone in the dark room, the only light was that that radiated off the T.V. screen that blared before her. She watched out of insomnia, she wasn't really going to call and order a bunch of new age work out tapes. Her eyes were now fixed on the hanger door waiting for him to come back from his binge. She held the red fleece blanket around her tightly. She would wait for him every night he did this. Just sit there and wait. Alone in the dark. He never knew all the times she helped him to his bed. Kept him from passing out and falling flat on his face. Those memories of her softer side were all lost to lady liquor and a hangover.

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**if no one is around you**_

_**say baby I love you//**_

She looked away from the door for a moment to look at the T.V. She heard the sliding of metal and the squeak of the hinges. Her eyes flashed back to the door. It was him. He stood there leaning against the doorframe. She stood up quickly and walked over to the door. She grabbed his shoulders instinctively even though it was Spike and she knew he would never stumble or show his drunkenness in physical stupid ness. She brought him over to the couch to turn off the T.V. He slumped down as Faye turned off the T.V. When she turned around he was standing up looking down at her. She looked into his miss-matched eyes. There was something that was different, his eyes looked glazed over, in some kind of drunken trance. She felt his rough hands come to her pale face. He rubbed her cheeks tenderly before bringing his face to hers. He brushed his thin lips against her luscious red ones.

_**//if you ain't runnin' game**_

_**Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady//**_

She didn't get it. Even if he were drunk Spike would never kiss her. What sick game was he playing? She hesitantly pushed him away. "Spike…?" She questioned him as he started kissing her jaw now.

"Baby shhhh." He whispered in a slurred tone.

_**//ain't callin' me baby**_

_**why the sudden change?//**_

'Why did he just change?' She wasn't protesting. She wanted him, she had always loved him. All she wanted from him was to know if she was the one he was seeing.

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**if no one is around you//**_

He kissed down her neck to her collarbone.

"Spike say my name…" She whispered in the night air as he let go of his hold on her. He kept his gaze on her as he pushed her down on the couch, "shhhh." He pressed his long lean fingers to her lips.

_**//say baby I love you**_

_**if you ain't runnin' game**_

_**Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady**_

_**ain't callin' me baby**_

_**Better say my name!//**_

"Spike." She grabbed his face in her feminine hands. "Say my name." He didn't listen.

_**//Any other day I would call**_

_**you would say**_

_**"baby how's your day ?"**_

_**but today it ain't the same**_

_**every other word is **_

_**Uh Huh, Yea Okay,//**_

She gave in to her lust for a moment and slowly unbuttoned his shirt as he kissed her lips tenderly, not like him. 'Sweet to Faye?' She thought…… 'Or sweet to Julia?' She stopped and took her hands from his tight chest.

_**//could it be that you, **_

_**are at the crib with anotha lady?**_

_**If you took it there first if all**_

_**let me say, I am not the one**_

_**to sit around and be played**_

_**so prove your self to me,//**_

"Spike tell me who I am!" He stopped kissing her ear.

"My baby," he whispered seductively. She felt her heart melt hearing him call her that.

"Oh Spike," she whispered back.

_**//or the girl that you claim**_

_**why don't you say the thangs**_

_**that you said to me yesterday?//**_

"Why didn't you say that before?" she asked now kissing down his jaw.

_**//I know you say that I am assuming things//**_

She knew he saw her…

_**//Something's going down thats the way it seems**_

_**Shouldn't be the reason why you're acting strange**_

_**If nobody's holding you back from me**_

_**Cause I know how you usually do**_

_**When you say everything to me times two**_

_**Why can't you just tell the truth?//**_

Was it the truth? Did he see her? He unhooked her shirt kissing down the valley between her chest to her bellybutton. "Spike……" she moaned. "Spike, please……"

_**//If somebody's there then tell me who**_

_**Say my name, say my name//**_

"say my name……" she needed him to say it.

_**//if no one is around you**_

_**say baby I love you//**_

No one else was there to hear him tell her he loved her. She just wanted to hear those words. 'Faye Valentine I love you.' She wanted to hear it from him, those words artfully spoke from his lips.

_**//if you ain't runnin' game**_

_**Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady**_

_**ain't callin' me baby**_

_**why the sudden change?//**_

"Baby shhhh……" he whispered as she ran her hands through his hair. Alcohol does strange things, you better enjoy it while you can Faye cause he'd never do this sober. A small taungting voice echoed in the back of her mind as he brought his face to hers while he slipped her top of her shoulders.

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**if no one is around you**_

_**say baby I love you**_

_**if you ain't runnin' game**_

_**Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady**_

_**ain't callin' me baby**_

_**Better say my name!//**_

He kissed her passionately. Unlike anyone had ever kissed her before. She wanted to believe in her fantasy that he saw her, felt her, was kissing her.

_**//What is up with this? **_

_**Tell the truth,**_

_**who you with ?//**_

She stopped him for good, she was now dominant. He lay beneath her. "Spike tell the truth who are you with right now?"

_**//How would you like it if **_

_**I came over with my clique**_

_**Don't try to change it now**_

_**See you gotta bounce**_

_**When two seconds ago**_

_**you said you just got in the house.//**_

"I'm with my baby," he said sweetly kissing her lips rubbing her shoulders.

_**//It's hard to believe that you, **_

_**are at home, by yourself**_

_**when I just heard the voice**_

_**heard the voice of someone else.**_

_**Just this question **_

_**Why do you feel you gotta lie?//**_

"Spike."

She didn't want to stop him.

_**//Gettin' caught up in your game**_

_**when you can not say my name//**_

She let herself get caught up in his charm, her love for him, she let herself get caught up in her lust even though he never said her name.

_**//I know you say that I am assuming things//**_

She had assumed things

_**//Something's going down thats the way it seems**_

_**Shouldn't be the reason why you're acting strange//**_

She let herself forget something major was happening. He was drunk and she had lust for him since she had seen him.

_**//If nobody's holding you back from me**_

_**Cause I know how you usually do**_

_**When you say everything to me times two**_

_**Why can't you just tell the truth?**_

_**If somebody's there then tell me who//**_

She lay on the couch running her hands through his sweat-drenched hair. His arms were tightly wrapped around her waist, his head lay on her naked chest. The fleece blanket lay over them both waist down. She knew he was about to fall asleep. She loved him so much right then, more then she ever thought she could love another person.

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**if no one is around you**_

_**say baby I love you**_

_**if you ain't runnin' game**_

_**Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady**_

_**ain't callin' me baby**_

_**why the sudden change?//**_

"Spike I love you…" She let her mask fall, she let it fall and shatter. She was exposed now. She watched him holding her breath.

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**if no one is around you**_

_**say baby I love you//**_

"I love you…" His words slurred together, 'say my name Spike!'

_**//if you ain't runnin' game//**_

She had never felt so insecure, 'Please don't be playing with me.'

_**//Say my name, say my name**_

_**you actin' kinda shady**_

_**ain't callin' me baby//**_

'Don't call me baby……' He was almost asleep. "You should know that…"

_**//Better say my name!//**_

"I love you…Julia…"

* * *

AN: Not my song. Destiny's Child, Say My Name. 


	2. Naked

**Say My Name**

AN: Naked, by Avril Lavigne. **_//song lyrics//_**

* * *

**Chapter Two: Naked**

**Same day**

_**//I wake up in the morning  
Put on my face//**_

She took a sharp breath and swiftly plunged her head into the icy cold water. She clutched the metal sides of the bathtub she lay in as she pulled her head out of the water gasping for oxygen. Her hands fluttered over the edge looking for the pink scrub with soap. She grabbed it with shaking hands and she rubbed it all over her body.

"It won't come off!" She breathed trying to stop the tears from falling. She wanted to scream until her voice gave out. 'How could I have been so stupid?' She scrubbed harder and harder trying to get rid of his smell, his sweat, his fingerprints, his kisses. She felt her arms starting to burn as she stopped scrubbing. She looked at the red swollen soars she had made. "It's still there I know it." She pulled her arms under the water as it changed to a rusted red. She squinted her eyes in pain as a tear rolled down her cheek. She stood up and climbed out of the tub looking at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

**_//The one that's gonna get me  
Through another day//_**

She took the bar of soap and hurled it at the glass. The soap collided with the mirror shattering it to millions of pieces. She wanted to scream till she couldn't anymore. She kneeled down to the ground looking at her half reflection in a small piece of the mirror. She couldn't stand to look at her self. She picked up the shard and held it to her wrist, her hand shaking and pulse racing. 'No,' she closed her eyes tightly and stood up grabbing her robe.

**_//Doesn't really matter  
How I feel inside//_**

'He didn't care about how you felt, he didn't even know it was you!' a small voice in the back of her head screamed.

**_//'Cause life is like a game sometimes//_**

'He was just playing a game with you. He never want you he just wanted your body!' She pulled at her hair.

"Shut up!" She screamed. No one would come. No one cared.  
**_  
//But then you came around me//_**

She didn't want him to know she had let him do this to her. He wouldn't remember anyway. She left the bathroom and walked to living room. She stopped seeing his sleeping form. The man she loved and hated. He had used her. She kneeled down to look at his sleeping face. He looked so calm and peaceful. She couldn't help loving him. Her eyes started to sting with tears as she picked up his boxers. She dressed him and took the red blanket.

_**  
//The walls just disappeared  
Nothing to surround me//**_

She had been exposed. He had seen everything, her body, her thoughts, and emotions. She tore the cloth and threw it away as she walked back to her room. He wouldn't know what happened. He wouldn't know he had had her.

He would never know.

Unless she told him.

**_//And keep me from my fears  
I'm unprotected//_**

She felt so naked, so vulnerable, so alone. She wanted to forget what had happened but yet she never wanted to forget his passion, his love, his kisses. 'If he could love one woman that much, maybe he could-' She stopped thinking and laid down in her bed. She clutched the robe to her body trying to fall asleep.

**_//See how I've opened up  
Oh, you've made me trust//_**

He had fooled her, he had made her trust him, she had showed him herself. She had let her façade fall.

**_//Because I've never felt like this before//_**

A loud banging noise came in the morning as she woke up frantically. 'Maybe it was a dream, a nightmare.' She got up and ran to the door to see Ed and Jet standing together.

"Faye we're gonna go get some food, and Ed wanted to buy a new pair of goggles. Don't think I'm only doing this to unload the hung over one but gotta go!" Jet grabbed Ed's shoulders and steered her to the hanger before leaving. Her breath caught in her throat.

'He's hung over, meaning he was drunk last night.' She looked at her soar arms seeing the rashes blossoming.

**_//I'm naked  
Around you  
Does it show?//_**

She bit her lower lip walking down the hall to the living room. There he was standing by the couch scratching his head wearily. She walked into the room pulling down her sleeves holding them there. She didn't want him to see her; she just wanted to slip by. She quietly walked in the shadows trying to reach the kitchen.

**_//You see right through me  
And I can't hide//_**

"Faye," he continued "I know you're there." His cold voice bit her ears as she jumped slightly. She stepped out of the shadows with her arms wrapped around her body. He could tell something was different about her right away. He wasn't sure why he cared but he stepped towards her.

**  
_//I'm naked  
Around you//_**

She felt like he could see everything. She felt naked and exposed. She backed away as he stepped closer. He stopped when she moved back.

"Faye?"

**_//And it feels so right//_**

'This feels so wrong. No one should see me. No one gets to know the real me, but he, he can see right through my mask. He can see me for me.'

_**//I'm trying to remember//**_

"Faye what happened last night?" he asked with a puzzled look scratching the back of his head. She stared at him as her heart sped up.

**_//Why I was afraid  
To be myself and let the  
Covers fall away//_**

'Why had I been so afraid to show any one myself?' She looked at his miss-matched eyes as they searched hers. She didn't know what to tell him.

**_//I guess I never had someone like you//_**

She had never had someone like Spike to see her true side. He stepped closer trying to get an answer. She backed away; she didn't want him to touch her.

**_//To help me, to help me fit  
In my skin. I never felt like this before//_**

She was so confused by her feelings. She loved him, but hated what he had done to her. She didn't know which emotion would win. He stepped again, she moved back.

**_//I'm naked  
Around you//_**

She hit the metal wall as Spike stopped advancing. "Why won't you talk?" he was getting angry. She could see his anger burning in his eyes. She looked away but he tried to grab her chin to make her look at me. "Don't touch me." She struggled to get away fast enough.

**_//Does it show?  
You see right through me//_**

His eyes widened as the flicked back and forth looking at her face trying to see her reasons.

**_//And I can't hide//_**

She couldn't hide if from him. He grabbed her wrist and shoved her sleeve up looking at the rub burns. 'Why you Spike?'

**_//I'm naked  
Around you//_**

"Faye are you ok?" he asked with genuine concern. His eyebrows knit together.

**_//I'm naked  
Oh oh yeah//_**

"Like you care." She pulled her arm away grabbing the sleeve pulling it down. She wanted to get away from him; she didn't want him to touch her ever again.

**_//Does it show?  
Yeah, I'm naked  
Oh oh, yeah yeah//_**

She felt so naked.

**_//I'm so naked around you  
And I can't hide//_**

"What happened last night Faye?" She glared at him not sure if she should say. He grabbed her shoulders squeezing tightly as she struggled to get away.

"Fine if you want to know I'll tell you!" She screamed as he let go.

**_//You're gonna see right through, baby//_**

'He's gonna see right through any lie I tell.' She slid down to the floor holding her knees to her chest.

"I slept with you."

* * *


	3. You Don't Know

**Say My Name**

AN: _**/song lyrics/**_

* * *

**Chapter Three: You Don't Know**

Her hands shook in the freezing cold of the planet she had landed on, she was running away from him. Running away from her fears, running from her love and loss. She clutched the brown jacket she wore to her body as she spotted a bar. She walked into the hazy bar looking around to see shadowy figures sitting at the counter. A man played the saxophone on a small stage. The sad jazzy cords wrapped around her heart as she found the bathroom door. She walked into an empty stall and pulled out an old silver spoon she had found on Earth. She held a small bag that she dumped out into the spoon; she pulled a lighter from her pocket and held it under the spoon's basin. She waited till it turned to a liquid and then put the lighter back into her pocket. She pulled the syringe out and sucked up the liquid with it. She dropped the spoon into the toilet with a small plunk. She closed her eyes as she rolled up her coat sleeve. "Spike……" she sighed as she plunged the needle into her skin. Her eyes shot open as she shot the liquid into her blood stream. She dropped the syringe to the floor as she slide down the side of the stall her eyes rolling in their sockets lazily. She looked up at the flickering florescent lights as the world began to spin. She drifted back to that morning when she had found Spike awake. 

**Flash Back**

_**/Ooh, my love  
**__**Who could know the emptiness inside/**_

Spike's eyes widened as he kneeled down to look at Faye. "What?" He breathed as she buried her face in her knees, tears stinging her eyes. She wouldn't cry, not in front of him. She felt the emptiness in her heart as she swallowed the cries she wanted to scream with all her being. She could feel his gaze burning a hole in her head. "Faye what happened?" He asked in a calm voice trying to keep up his façade he would never drop.

_**/Ev'ry time I see your face?  
**__**Too many feelings left behind/**_

She looked at him threw a small crake between her arms. His expression was sincere. She didn't know if she should tell him. She was a mess of feelings inside, hate, anger, loss, remorse, pain, but most importantly love. She wanted him to know they had made love, not just 'done it.' She wanted him to see he loved her. She wanted him to know she loved him, but she would never tell him that. She did once, that night, and what had he done……he had told her he loved another woman who he thought she was. 

_**/Do you wonder why  
**__**I turn away when you look at me/**_

Faye pulled her face from her knees to look at Spike. His eyes were locked onto hers as she turned away not wanting to look into his eyes knowing he knew everything about her. 

_**/Never wanting your eyes to see  
**__**This desperate heart that knows/**_

He would see the want and desire for his love in her emerald eyes. Her please for his touch and kiss again. He would see her vulnerability. "You……" she stopped and took a deep breath as he touched her shoulder. Her head snapped to look at him as she saw his comforting expression. 'Why is he acting like this?' 

_**/How perfect we could be/**_

She tried to keep strong as she looked into his eyes. She was trying to hide the fact that she knew they'd be perfect together. "You……you got drunk and, and I was tryin' to help you to the couch so you wouldn't fall asleep on the floor……" she shut her eyes tightly as the pain of rejection racked threw her body seeing his face again. 

_**/Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel/**_

He didn't know how it felt to be hurt so bad, it would have been less painful if he had ripped her heart out of her chest. She hugged her legs tighter rocking back and forth slightly. "Faye?" his voice urged her to continue as he placed a hand on her shoulder. 

_**/Livin' my life without you  
**__**Baby, and you don't know what it's like/**_

He didn't know what it's like to love someone you could never have……and then they gave you everything you wanted, their love, their kisses, their body, and then took it all away with one name. He didn't know anything! "And when I turned the T.V. off you, you were on me and……" His eyes flicked back and forth searching the top of her head as her muffled voice filled his ears with an unbelievable truth. 

_**/Lovin' you all this time  
**__**I'll give you all my love, heart and soul/**_

She gave him everything she ever had and he, he took it all away. 

_**/Riskin' it all on a chance/**_

She had risked everything for his love.

_**/And now, when I need you the most/**_

Now she needs him the most, she needs someone that knows how it feels. 

_**/You don't know/**_

But he, he will never know. 

_**/(Oh, oh, oh, no)  
**__**All I ever wanted in this world  
**__**Baby, I found in you  
**__**I never felt this way before/**_

"I let you, I let myself…….and" she swallowed looking up at him threw misted eyes. He held her shoulders in his hands wanting to hear every word. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her, but he knew she wouldn't lie like this; she wouldn't act like this if it hadn't happened. She's a good actress when needed but not this good. 

_**/But I can't break through  
**__**And now I lie awake, alone at night  
**__**So afraid now to close my eyes/**_

"Spike……it just happened……" She wanted him to hug her to his warm body; she wanted him to remember everything so she wouldn't have to relive the pain. But he didn't, she was his only memory. She had to relive it alone. 

_**/Of just one more dream of you  
**__**I'll carry here inside/**_

"and then……" she drifted off. She wouldn't tell him that. No she wouldn't tell him he called her Julia. He would just think that he was drunk and horny and that's all, he saw Faye just for Faye. He wouldn't know he had said he loved her, he wouldn't know she had told him she loved him. "and then what?" Spike screamed slamming her against the wall lightly. His eyes were wild with fear. He didn't want to hurt her; he never wanted to hurt Faye. She looked at him confused not understanding why he was so possessed, his crazed eyes, his veins bulging as she snapped. 

_**/Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel/**_

She ripped her shoulders away from his grasp afraid of what he might do. "You don't know anything Spike! You don't know how it feels! You know nothing!" She screamed standing up as he tried to stop her. He grabbed her ankle with his hand as she tried to run away. 

_**/Livin' my life without you  
**__**Baby, and you don't know what it's like/**_

She fell looking back at him on the floor holding her leg in his tight grasp. She kicked him in the face as a trickle of blood ran over his lips. "You don't know what it's like!" She pulled her legs to her body as she stood up. "This pain inside me!" 'I loved you Spike!' she wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs. 

_**/Lovin' you all this time  
**__**I'll give you all my love, heart and soul/**_

"I gave you my body and then!" she stopped as he looked up at her lying on the cold floor. He jumped up as she started running to her room. He tore after her wanting to hear the rest of the story. "Faye what happened? What did I do that hurt you so much?" He needed to know, he couldn't live with himself if he had hurt her somehow. She was human too, he saw that know……he had only seen her before as a vindictive shrew but now he had seen her as a whole person. Someone capable of pain and hurt, he saw himself in her eyes. He didn't want what happened to himself to happen to her. 

_**/Riskin' it all on a chance  
**__**And now, when I need you the most/**_

She got dressed quickly wiping the tears away before they could spill. She stopped before opening the door pressing her forehead against the cold metal. 'You don't know how much I need you Spike. How much I risked telling you.' She took a breath ready to leave forever. 

_**/You don't know/**_

She though he didn't know the cold sting of heart ache but she was wrong he knew every painful prick.

_**/(Oh, no...you don't know, baby)/**_

She didn't know how much it hurt him to see her like this. She didn't know how much he could relate. She didn't know. She opened the door as he caught her in his arms. She tried to wriggle free but his grip was too strong. "Faye listen." He was going to say he was sorry, he was going to apologize for everything…….

_**/And I would hold you all through the night  
**__**I would stay right by your side, baby/**_

She didn't want to listen to another vile word from his thin lips. She broke free after stepping on his foot with her heel. He let go as she ran down the hall to the hanger. 

_**/And I'd give you the world  
**__**If your love was mine  
**__**But, baby, could it be I'm only dreamin'/**_

She ran to the Red Tail getting in. "Faye it's nothing but a dream. All of this is just a dream……" he yelled after her as the cockpit windows shut tightly. Spike jumped into the Swordfish ll. He chased her to a plant she stopped at.

**End Flash Back**

_**/Don't let it pass me by  
**__**Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel/**_

Her head rolled as she heard the bathroom door open. She looked under the stall door to see a pair of blue boots. She smiled knowing he had come after her. She didn't know what was going on. 

_**/Livin' my life without you  
**__**Baby, and you don't know what it's like/**_

She waited as his boots clicked against the tile floor loudly in time with the muffled jazzy playing in the bar.

_**/Lovin' you all this time  
**__**I'll give you all my love, heart and soul/**_

She started to hum along with the song as the clicking stopped in front of the stall she was sitting in. She held her arm with her hand looking at the raw skin there along with the puncture wound from the syringe. 

_**/Riskin' it all on a chance/**_

The stall door was kicked open as it grazed her face cutting her cheek; she was to hopped up to feel the pain. She had escaped her pain. She saw his face become clearer as he kneeled down wiping the blood from her cut. He looked away from her wrapping his arm around her neck pulling her face to his chest.

_**/And now, when I need you the most/**_

She needed him now. "Oh god Faye……" he sighed seeing the syringe. He threw it in the toilet and flushed it. He picked up her limp but awake body as her head rolled to rest on his shoulder. She touched his lips with her index finger wiping away the crimson blood she had made him bleed. "Spike……" she moaned closing her eyes. "Faye, Faye no, I need you to stay awake. Faye!" He shook her as he walked outside the bar into the cold air. He was afraid of loosing her to eternal sleep. Her eyes fluttered open weakly as she looked at his face not knowing what to do. He started humming a song as he walked down the vacant sidewalks. 

_**/You don't know/**_

He didn't know how much she needed his love……

_**/(Oh, no, no, no...baby, you don't know)/**_

She didn't know how much he needed to see her breathing. She didn't know how much he cared……

* * *

AN: I don't like this chapter very much for some reason…it's kinda dark. Short recap: She ran away, he followed: He still doesn't know he said Julia, she doesn't know how much he really cares about her because he now sees her as a whole person. He doesn't know she loves him and how much he hurt her.


	4. Wasted

**Say My Name**

AN: Song: Wasted by Zebrahead: _**/song lyrics/**_

* * *

**Chapter Four: Wasted**

He stumbled into the metallic living room of the Bebop to be greeted by a singing red head jumping around bouncing off the walls. 

"Spike-person and Faye-Faye walkin' in da roooooom!" She bounced in front of him as he glared at her. 

"Ed shhhh, not to loud! Can you do me a favor?" He asked as Faye shifted in his arms to look at Ed. Spike moved his hand into Faye's coat pocket and pulled the plastic bag from the cloth's depth. Ed looked at the bag and grabbed it holding to her face so close her eyes crossed. "Can you tell me what was in this bag?" Spike kneeled down to look at Ed through her green goggles. Ed nodded happily as Faye grinned idiotically in her own world of hopped up bliss. 

'No pain. No hurt. Just his arms……' He straightened up as Ed ran off holding her arms out like an airplane vrooming away. 

_**/Gotta get up  
Gotta open my eyes/**_

Spike walked over to the gold tinted couch and sat Faye down on it in a sitting position. He bent over looking at her face. 

"Faye promise me you won't go to sleep ok?" He looked at her eyes as the stared blankly into his. Her eyes, they were so empty, so glassy, so emotionless. Her head lulled as she nodded understanding his words as they echoed in her head. He sat down next to her looking forward at the fuzzy screened T.V. 

_**/I'm swimming through this haze  
That's been around me for days/**_

Her head was swimming with strange feelings. She felt hot in her coat as sweat began to drip from her forehead. She looked around the room as the walls started to move and defy gravity. She giggled seeing the metal ceiling under her feet.  
_**  
/Don't wanna come down/**_

She didn't want to face reality, she didn't want to face all that pain and rejection, she didn't want to face him.  
_**  
/But you were always around/**_

But there he was sitting next to her.  
_**  
/And everyone's so strange  
There is nothing that they can change/**_

But she couldn't change what happened.

_**/Take my hand/**_

Faye's hand was on the cushion of the couch as she stared at his profile. She couldn't help loving how close she was to him. She looked away as she felt a warm finger touch the back of her hand. Her eyes snapped to the spot of contact. She saw his hand covering hers as he grasped it. 

_**/Show me how this all fits in your plan/**_

What great plan did that night fit into? What cosmic joke was this life she was leading? Did the act of the previous night have any meaning to her future? Was it the future, or just the past?

_**/Understand  
That I don't need you/**_

She thought she could live with out any one, any man for that matter…then she met Spike…

_**/I just need to  
Feel how does it feel/**_

She grinned as she looked at his face. She shifted around so her head was in his lap looking up at him. She let her hands rest on her chest caressing his that she held. He didn't make any attempts to pull it away as Faye began to speak. 

"Your hands are so big……" She brought his hand to her face and covered her pale skinned countenance with it. She held his wrist as she breathed in deeply.

_**/To crush the world in two/**_

"You could crush anything in them; you could crush my face right now, or snap my neck like a twig." She moved his hand to wrap around her throat. She kept her gaze on his had as he stared down at her with worried eyes. "Or…" She brought his hand to her chest and held it there as it rose and fell in time with her breathing. "…you could rip my heart in two…if you wanted to." 

_**/One last time/**_

"…again…" she whispered to herself. His face was puzzled as her gaze flicked back up to him. His miss-matched eyes searched hers as she picked his hand up and held it against hers. Her fingertips came up to the beginning of his. He bent them over hers as she laughed. 

_**/And I  
Am wasted/**_

A smile flashed over his lips for a moment as she laughed. He knew it was just a side effect of the drugs, he didn't know if what she said was true or not. 

_**/Feel how does it feel  
To scream without a sound/**_

"Have you ever wanted to scream until you couldn't anymore?" Her voice was icy cold as she asked the question. She let go of his hand and he brought it to her forehead, he felt the sweat on it as he tried to wipe it away. 

"Yeah……" he whispered as she rolled over facing away from him looking at his knees as one of them bounced nervously. She placed her hand on it as he stopped. 

"I did……last night." 

_**/One more time  
And I'm/**_

She stopped and grinned. 

"And don't think it was because you were so good." She pressed her head against his pelvis as he moved back slightly shocked. She was floating back in and out of seriousness. Jet walked in and stopped in the doorway. 

"Spike?" He asked as Spike waved him away. Jet shook his head as he walked away back to his bonsai trees. 

_**/Still wasted/**_

She knew what she was saying but couldn't fully understand the impact of her words or what Spike would think of them. 

/Get me away  
I'm thinking maybe someday  
You'll find out who I am/

"Spike you've neva seen the real me……" she rolled back over her face looking up at him. 

_**/But you don't give a damn/**_

"…and I bet you don't give a damn……" She pressed her face against his crotch as his knee began to bounce uncontrollably. 

_**/Closing my eyes  
**__**It's all the same to me/**_

She shut her eyes tight as she breathed heavily. She just wanted him to love her like she loved him…but he is still in love with a ghost and she didn't know if she could compete with his blond angel. 

She held the tears back as she spoke her harsh words. "Faye…don't say that." 

_**/What I don't want to know/**_

She wanted to know what he saw her as, a human being capable of loving, or just a vile shrew that had no emotion.

_**/Is what I'm not going to see/**_

But she would never see what she wanted to. 

/Watch the world stop  
I drop put my finger on it  
Thinking back to the day you said/

"Spike……" She moaned again. He took her shoulders and sat her up. 

"Faye you can't think straight. Your burning up." She glared at him as she stood up. She wobbled as she straddled his lap taking off her jacket and throwing it to the floor. 

_**/I could get up on it/**_

Faye leaned her head on his shoulder as Ed bounced in. 

"Spike-person! Faye-Faye took heroin! An old Earth drug." Ed wiggled her arms trying to be spooky as she wavered her voice dramatically. "Faye-Faye's gonna be GOOOOOFY!…….but goofy should go bye bye soon soon!" Ed came over to them and looked at Faye's arm. "Faye-Faye was bad bad! Keep Faye-Faye away from the bad bad stuff and Faye-Faye won't be addicted to it! Ed is gonna go look it up some more for Spike-person." Ed ran off to research some more. 

_**/Say that you have changed  
I'm the same just a little loaded  
Comin' in out of phase lost my place/**_

"People can, maybe, sometimes change Spike, did you know that? But it's more than just saying it, it's showing it." Faye whispered against his neck as his gazed shifted to the top of her head.

"I don't know if I have or not…cause I don't know how I used to be. I don't know anything of my past." He felt a drop of water spill down his neck as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

_**/Now I know I've blown it  
Fall into a sea of your distress/**_

She had blown her façade long before this; she had blown it when she let him see her cry. That was when he saw her whole. 

_**/And I confess that  
I take less than your best/**_

But she didn't know if he could take a woman that was damaged. She knew she could take him damaged and hurt, the way Julia left him, his half shell cynical self. 

_**/But you don't want  
To give it away today/**_

"Faye forget the past, live for the future. The past is behind you." She moved back and looked into his eyes. He saw her life returning to those emerald pools. 

_**/Blue sky gray  
Nothing that you say  
Take another trip  
Take another fall  
Take it all away/**_

"How can I when my future doesn't want to forget his own past." She didn't know if he would see what she was saying or just let is pass untouched. 

_**/Take my hand  
Show me how this all fits in your plan  
Understand/**_

"Spike I'll tell you why I wanted to scream." She was going to tell him what he said that crushed her heart. 

_**/That I don't need you  
I just need to  
Feel how does it feel  
To crush the world in two/**_

"You took your hands and crushed me." She wasn't thinking straight. 

_**/One last time  
And I  
Am wasted  
Feel how does it feel  
To scream without a sound/**_

"You took your words and killed me." His eyes begged her to go on, but he could see the pain it was causing her to say these words. He could see how much whatever he had said actually hurt her so bad. 

_**/One more time  
And I'm  
Still wasted/**_

She was wasted and didn't know the impact of her words. "You used me." Her eyes burned as she continued. "You said you loved her to me. You told…" she took a deep breath as closed her eyes tears burning beneath her lids. "You told Julia you loved her…to me. You saw her, but used my body…" Her head spun as the heat took over her body, the sweat was pouring from her brow as she broke down before him. 

_**  
**_


	5. I'm Sorry

**Say My Name**

AN: I have a quote that will become important: "In our lives we are allowed 3 great loves. Out of those three you must choose who is your soul mate."  
Song: I'm sorry by All 4 One:_** /song lyrics/**_

* * *

**Chapter Five: I'm Sorry**

/_**I know I was wrong  
for treating you the way I did (the way I did)/**_

She felt him freeze beneath her sweating body as she buried her face in his chest tears flowing freely. His arms fell from her shoulders to his sides. His eyes stared blankly at the cold metal walls of the Bebop. She was afraid to say another word. She would wait for his reaction. See what he did. 

_**  
/I have so much on my mind/**_

His mind flooded with images, sounds, emotions, words he had said, words she had said. He held his head in his hands as his false eye played back a torturing memory he had tried to erase. Faye held onto his shoulders as she tried to swallow her tears. 

**Flashback**

Spike pounded in and out of his flaxen haired love as she clawed at the tan skin on his back. He pressed his face against her soft neck moaning her name over and over again. 

"Julia…Julia." He gasped for breath as he continued. "I love you baby!" She was screaming in ecstasy as he pumped in and out of her. 

"Vicious! Oh Vicious I love you too!"

That's when he left.

**End Flashback**

Spike yelled as Faye clutched his shoulders bracing herself as he lunged forward. He clenched his teeth as Faye stared at him scared, wide emerald eyes watching his petrified face. He gasped for air as a cold sweat broke out on his forehead. Faye had thought Spike would never know what it felt like to be rejected by the one he loved, but she was wrong. He had been trapped in a self-destructive relationship with an angel sent from hell. 

_**/I didn't know where you fit in (where you fit in)  
and if I could do it all over again (again)  
I'll never treat you that way /**_

He felt that pain anew knowing he had done the same to another soul. His thoughts were all scattered as he looked down into Faye's panicked emerald eyes. They were so full of pain, worry and something else he couldn't see. He had started to actually not hate her after seeing her as a whole woman. 'Oh god what have I done……?' he thought as he let his laid back mask drop revealing his vulnerable empathic true form. 

_**/(I'll never treat you that way again)  
I apologize for the pain that I caused  
and I just wanna say (I just wanna say)  
I'm sorry (I'm sorry)/**_

"Faye…" He took her chin in his hand making her look into his soft miss matched eyes. She was confused by his tender touch; she thought he would have shoved her away and would have told her to never look at him again. "I'm sorry."

_**/so sorry (so sorry)  
for treating you the way I did (I didn't mean it baby)/**_

He was doing what Julia had never done for him, apologizing for breaking his heart. 

"What?" Faye asked in a whisper of disbelief. She gazed up at him on the verge of tears. 'Did he just apologize?' She didn't believe her ears hearing his voice coo those sweet words that she had wanted to hear next to those three words she would die to hear.

_**/I'm sorry (I'm sorry)  
so sorry (so sorry)/**_

"I'm sorry Faye. Don't cry." He said smiling sadly as a tear fell from her eye. He brushed it away with his rough thumb holding her face. 

_**/for leaving you the way I did  
when I close my eyes/**_

Faye closed her eyes enjoying the warm touch of his skin against hers. 

'Why is he apologizing? What changed him so much to admit he, the great Spike Spiegel, had done something wrong?'

_**/I think of how it used to be (used to be)  
that's when I realized **_

_**just how much you mean to me (you mean to me)/**_

Spike had never seen it before but he didn't know what it would be like without Faye on the Bebop. He wanted to stop those feelings from ever blossoming but the mind can never control the heart from feeling what it wants to feel.

"Why…?" Her voice broke his thoughts as he looked into her face. 

"What do you mean why?" He was even more confused by her question. 

"Why are you all nice now?" She searched his face. "How can I hate you when you just apologized?" She was furious. 

_**/a second chance is all that I need (I need)  
to change what's wrong and make it right/**_

She shook her head as he stared at her, his eyebrows knit together in frustration. She smacked his hand away from her face standing up letting go of his shoulders. She stood over him breathing heavily as she wiped sweat from her brow. 

"I hate you!" Her lips were a thin line. 'I hate you for making me love you Spike!' She couldn't control her emotions as heat swept over her body. 

"Faye just give me a chance!" 

_**/(to change what's wrong and make it right)  
a fool I was to let you slip away (away)  
when I know I need you in my life (need you in my life)/**_

She didn't understand why he was so nice all the sudden. 

"Do you need to see me as a broken woman before you can actually begin to treat me as a human being!" Her eyes blazed as her heart pounded in her ears.

/I'm sorry (I'm sorry)/

"Faye I'm sorry!" He was almost screaming it at the top of his lungs.

_**/so sorry (so sorry)  
for treating you the way I did  
(I didn't mean to hurt you baby)/**_

"Faye." He paused letting his voice drop. "I never wanted to hurt you! I don't ever want to hurt you." He stood up to his full height looking down at Faye. 

_**/I'm sorry (I'm sorry)  
so sorry (so sorry)  
for leaving you the way I did/**_

"Faye I'm sorry! Can't you see that? No one has heard me say those words before. You're the first! I'll never treat you that way again. I swear!" He was giving himself away; he was letting his façade drop away. 

That is what confused her. She wanted to love him and accept his apology right there but it had taken a practical metal break down for him to show any signs of affections towards her. 

'That's what he likes…weak willed little blondes that break down before him so he can help them build back up. I'll never be like that…to get Spike. Change myself completely just to win him over…or would I?' She was so confused, she was a strong woman who would change for no one but for love she didn't know.

/and I know every time (every time)  
every time I treated you unkind (so unkind)  
you still gave your best to me (to me)/

"Spike remember what I said before. People change, but it's not just saying it, it's showing it." She was trying to pull herself together as the drug began to wear off. She was feeling the pain again, all of it flooding back to her. 

_**/I'll do anything to get you back in to my life/**_

"Faye I'll do anything to show you I'll change." He didn't know what he was saying. He was just trying to do what Julia never had done; he was trying to heal himself by healing Faye.

_**/I need to hold you again (hold you)/**_

She stared at him wanting to let him hold her……

_**/kiss you again (kiss you)/**_

kiss her……

_**/make love to you (love you)/**_

make love to her, Faye.

_**/and I'll do it again (to you)  
listen to me (listen to me)  
I'm down on my knees (down on my knees)/**_

He took her hand in his before she could pull it away. He held it as he got down on his knees before her. 

"I'm sorry Faye! Please forgive me." She was lucky he hadn't asked why she was so hurt other then the fact he had used her. 

_**/can we start over again (can we start over)/**_

"We'll just pretend like it never happened Spike." Faye sighed trying to pull her hand away from his tight grip on her pale hand. 

/I'm sorry (I'm sorry)  
so sorry (so sorry)  
for treating you the way I did/

"You don't even remember anyway…on this couch, in the dark." She closed her eyes trying to hide her sad happiness remembering his hands on her body. 

_**/(I didn't mean to hurt you baby)  
I'm sorry (I'm sorry)  
so sorry (so sorry)  
for leaving you the way I did/**_

Spike's eyes flicked back and forth as he looked up at Faye's face. "You…you said that you loved me…" Faye's eyes flashed open as she ripped her hand from his firm grip. 

"What?" 

_**/you gotta believe me when I say that  
I'm sorry (so sorry)  
so sorry  
for treating you (for treating you the way I did)  
I'll never hurt you again/**_

"Is that why I hurt you so much?" He asked standing up. Her eyes were full of fear and alarm that he had remembered. 

"Fuck you!" she sneered defensively. 

_**/I'm sorry (so sorry)/**_

Faye had been right before, and now that he remembered she was truly naked before him as he searched her soul looking through the emerald gates of her eyes for his answer. He had the power over her again he had the upper hand. He knew everything she never wanted him to know. He knew she loved him and that gave him a cocky power unlike any other.

_**/for leaving you ( for leaving you the way I did)/  
**_  
She swallowed nervously as he began to grin cockily, his façade returning from it's hiding place. 

'If she doesn't see I'd change for her why should I?' Spike thought as Faye wrapped her arms around her body looking away from him. 

"I think you already have." He leered assuring her he would never return those loving feelings.

_**/I'm sorry baby/**_

"Let's just pretend it never happened..." She whispered walking away saying she would forget, but knowing in her heart she would never stop thinking about his tender touch, his sweet lips, and his loving passion. 'I hate you for making me love you..' She walked to her room and collapsed on her bed shedding her clothes after closing the cold metal door. She heard a soft knock and a taunting voice call to her, "Whateva shrew I'll play your game of kiss and forget!" and then the slow clunking of his boots echoing down the silent metal hallway accompanied by a soft tune he had whistled before. 

He began to sing annoyingly as Faye buried her face in her pillow never to shed another tear for him.

"It's the honky tonk women! Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues." 

* * *

AN: The next chapter when it comes out it'll be called: "Let's Forget About It."

**PS:** I would like to declare a lil contest! I love to draw but Spike, I'm still trying and failing, so I'd like anyone who is reading this story and can draw him and Faye to draw a scene from this or any previous chapters and send them to me at and I'll put them on my friends website and I'll tell you the winner on the last chapter! PLEASE I'd love it if anyone is so inclined to draw scenes from this fic …Please send them to me! Thanks if you do!


	6. Forget About It

**Say My Name**

AN: Poetic license is taken with Spike's Past. Song: Let's Forget About It by Lisa Loeb**: /song lyrics/**

* * *

**Chapter Six: Forget About It**

It had been three weeks since that night they had vowed to forget. They had tried to get back to normal, but Spike wouldn't let Faye forget he still had something over her, something huge. Three little words that made the whole world of difference between them. He would whisper snide remarks in her ear after sending hot puffs of breath along her slender neck. She would glare and retort with a sarcastic leer. Ed would stare and pet Ein in a trance as Jet shook his head. Faye had been lucky to detox so quickly after her rash runin with the forget-me-not serum.

/_**I told you I was sorry, I told you I was wrong/**_

Spike sat on the gold tinted chair adjacent from the couch were Faye sat quietly. His left foot was propped up on his right knee as he held the plate of funny looking eggs in his left hand. He stabbed one of the yellow chunks and stared, looking past it at Faye. 'I've already apologized. What more do you want?' He would feel the remorse and guilt bubble up when he looked at her. But when she noticed all she did was glare back, only sending him into a frenzy of spiteful comments to bury the feeling. It was his only defense he had left against her, his words.

_**/I said it was an accident and don't tell anyone./**_

Faye looked down at the slightly green tinted scrambled eggs she was suppose to eat for breakfast. She glanced up, keeping her head down so Spike wouldn't notice her stare. 'He does look pretty pathetic. All alone.' She wished he would look at her with warm eyes. 'I know it took me to break down before he saw me as human but maybe that's cause I was always acting like a shrew around him. I didn't want it to be Whitney all over again. I'm strong. But, he saw. He knows my softer side, the whole person that I am. M-maybe-' She stopped as she saw Spike staring at his egg. She looked at him like he was crazy; he saw her but mistook her look as a glare.

If only they had spoken those words they couldn't say...only thought.

_**/But you love to circle round and round, you're so misunderstood./**_

It was a horrible cycle, a misunderstood glance. He stood up and walked slowly towards Faye as she stared down at her plate. He sat down on the coffee table facing her. His lips flashed to a wide grin as he leaned forward placing his full plate on the table beside him. Jet stood behind the sofa a little far back ready to watch today's "show."

"Spike," Faye whispered quietly. She was going finally accept his sorry apology. If only to put an end to the immature squabbling, and maybe she would make an effort to be less shrew-like.

_**/You love to circle round and round and you know that we should/**_

Spike stopped her by placing a cold hand on the exposed skin of her thigh. She looked up at him, her eyebrows knit together. He moved closer to her face placing his other hand on her other thigh.

"You don't even have to ask Faye." He grinned looking into her eyes as confusion spread threw their emerald depths. He moved closer to her lips and then back again, luring her back and forth.

'He's playing with me again...' She looked up at him and grabbed his chin in her hand.

"I would never ask for that torture again. Spike." His smile fell as she grinned. Her smile quickly faded as she lurched forward. Her eyes wode as she let go of his face and clamped a hand over her mouth. She shoved him off her as she bolted out of the living room. Spike was knocked to the floor as he heard the sliding of metal as she opened the bathroom door. He heard her heaving her guts out as he cringed.

_**/forget about it/**_

"You should have probably let her say what she wanted to say before you pulled off that oh so stunning performance Romeo." Jet said sitting down on the couching hitting Spike's head with his metal hand. Spike looked up at him cocking an eyebrow.

"Why?" Spike asked nonchalantly. Jet smiled.

"Cause I doubt what she said was what she was planning to say before." Spike stood up running his hand threw his hair as he picked up his blue suit jacket from the chair he had been sitting in. Spike stared at him for a moment before turning down the hall just in time to see Faye stumble out of the bathroom paler than a ghost. Spike almost ran up to her but controlled his impulse by lengthening his strides.

**_/let's forget about it/_**

He reached out to her shoulder.

"Faye...what did you want to say?" He asked almost in a forced manner. She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him.

"Forget it. I'll tell you later." She continued shuffling down the hall to her room. 'Maybe, if you aren't an ass.' She thought as she continued to her room.

She wasn't sure what had triggered her sudden illness, but she had a very good guess. She had been throwing up in the morning for a week now.

_**/you lied about how much you knew, I thought you were my friend/**_

Spike watched her walk away, putting his hands in his pockets to fish around for a cigarette. He found one and brought it to his thin lips. As he lit it he turned around heading the other direction to his room.

_**/you lied upon the mattress, c'mon tell me where you've been/**_

Spike walked to his molding mattress and fell back on it.

"Forget? Why...why forget it, why not carry our mistakes on our back so we don't repeat them?" He spoke aloud staring up at the ceiling. He put his hands behind his head as he exhaled the toxic smoke from his lungs. Spike's eye flashed in the florescent light from above as he remembered something he had tried to forget in his memory of his perfect blond angel.

**Flashback**

"Where've you been?" Spike yelled as Julia walked in to his apartment late one night. She looked away from him whispering.

"No where." He looked at her as she straightened her clothes.

"You were with him weren't you?" Julia looked up frightened. He was so scared of losing her like he had lost his parents. She shook her head hesitantly. He stared into her eyes as she looked back with vacant baby blues. "You can't keep doing this. Stay here with him or come with me." She promised to leave with him. That night, that was the night she took his very heart and soul and ripped them in half. When he woke up she was gone and he left to fake his own death and never see her again.

Roses.

Gun shots.

Blood.

His mind was racing as the past two years flashed by. He pulled at his hair as his eyes shut tight.

Bounties.

Blood.

Pain.

Faye.

It stopped.

Everything stopped. He heard her moan his name, her body pressed flush beneath his own. It was that night, and then the vision stopped. From old to new. She was going to be his second.

Too bad he's too hung up on the first girl to see it.

**End Flashback**

_**/you lied about this night apart, you lied about the room/**_

Spike rolled over in bed burring his face in his pillow wanting to scream as he started to realize what exactly Julia had done to him. How she had twisted his soul and mangled his heart until he was barely alive, a simple shadow of his former self. His whole world was collapsing with out that one reason to live. He could not bare the waking world, and drifted back to sleep, head pounding.

_**/If you're gonna have to lie to me then/**_

Faye sat in her room holding her stomach as she looked out of a window seeing the sparkling stars that surrounded the ship.

'I'll tell him tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie anymore.' She smiled thinking optimistically about what could happen if he realized he loved her too. If she didn't take a chance and risk the pain of rejection then she could never gain his love. She was sick of fighting with the man she pretended not to love with every fiber of her being. She was ready to grow up, he was the one who had apologized, and she had jumped to conclusions again about him. She had made assumptions like she had that night; she seemed to do that all to often. Something dramatic like that can change a woman and the way she thinks for the rest of her life. She was still as strong willed as ever just willing to be the way she wanted to be and not hide behind a façade, a mask of cold heartedness. She was ready to love him and accept his damaged heart in to her own. She was ready to help him forget about his first love and move on.

She just had to wait and see if he was willing to grow up too.

_**/let's forget about it/**_

Spike slept through the night and woke early the next morning. At six he crawled out of bed and walked to the shower. He slid open the metal door before stepping inside. His bare feet slapped against the cold floor as he walked to shower. He spun the knob above the faucet as hot water spewed out.

'Still hot. Faye's not up yet.' He smiled stripping off his clothes. He stood in his boxers as he found a clean towel in the closet. He put it on the sink next to the shower as he took off his boxers. He stepped in feeling the steam of the hot water flow over his body.

_**/let's forget about it/**_

Spike did not understand why all of the sudden all the bad memories of Julia were resurfacing like a hail storm when all he wanted was to be with his heavenly angel. More importantly, 'Why Faye?' He rubbed the strange smelling shampoo into his forest green mop of hair.

_**/I'll stop crying on the mountain that we made/**_

He heard the door of the bathroom slam open as someone dashed in. He rinsed his hair quickly hearing the gut wrenching dry heaves before whoever it was began to vomit into the toilet. Spike turned off the water waiting a moment as the person paused. "Sorry," they moaned, the pain and exhaustion clearly defined in their voice. Spike blindly grabbed the clean towel from the sink.

_**/from the molehill where we spilt the milk./  
**_

Faye's hand shook as she placed a small metallic instrument on the sink counter before turning back to the toilet. She braced herself as she heard the metal sliding. Her eyes watered as she heaved.

_**/so you say this never happened, perhaps not the way I thought/**_

Spike wrapped the towel around his waist before sliding the metal doors of the shower away. He stepped out and almost slipped seeing Faye bent over the silver toilet. He heard a small voice in his head that screamed for him to go to her, to comfort her, to hold her. She looked up at him before turning back heaving again. He skidded over to her, kneeling down to her level. He pulled her hair back with his hands as she stopped. He tore off some toilet paper and wiped her mouth before throwing the paper in the toilet. He pushed the small black button as it flushed. Faye was staring at him confused. She wasn't about to jump to any conclusion about his motives for his considerate act of compassion.

_**/did I throw this out of focus - or was it just the way we fought?/**_

"Spike. I wanted to say yesterday," She swallowed as the acidic fluid from her stomach began to settle. "I accept your apology." She smiled weakly as he grabbed her shoulders in his hands.

"Really?" he asked surprised and relieved that she finally accepted. She nodded as Spike tried to help her to her feet.

_**/that it seemed to me you took this girl, but you swear to God it's not/**_

Spike held Faye's drained body against his bare chest as she clutched her soft pale green terry cloth robe to her body. She felt so perfect in his arms. When Spike held Julia it was awkward and strange, but Faye fit. He didn't have to hide in the shadows with her, that's if he wanted to be with her.

'Why Faye?' he thought looking down at her. 'She's just like you.' A small voice said as Faye finally relaxed against his body. 'Why do people say opposites attract? Is that just an optimistic cry for help because the one they love is totally wrong for them? When you love someone you try to like the things they like and be good at the things they are good at...so why not?'

_**/let's forget about it/**_

She leaned her head on Spike's warm body as he spotted the metallic instrument on the sink. He looked at it.

"Faye what's that?" He picked it up as it began to beep and a small halographic screen shot out of one end. Faye's eyes widened as he held it before her face.

_**/let's forget about it/**_

Blue. Anything but Blue.

**_/I'll stop crying, if you'll stop/_**

"Why's it flashing blue?"

_**/I'll stop crying, if you'll stop/**_

"Shit." Faye pressed her face against Spike's chest. Spike felt his arms come around her shoulders as she looked up at him.

_**/I'll stop crying, if you'll stop lying to me/**_

"Spike." She swallowed scared to death he would leave her if he heard her next words; she had already vowed to act the way she felt like acting around Spike. (AN: meaning she'd actually act like she loved him) She pressed her ear against his chest listening to his heartbeat as he spoke.

"Yeah?" he asked bringing his hand to the back of her head in strange act of concern. She wanted to cry out of both pain and love at the same time as she whispered to him.

"I'm pregnant."

* * *

**AN:** Okee, explanation time: Spike is too busy thinking about Julia to see Faye's love. And as mentioned before, a person has three great loves. All three of Spike's shall be detailed in this story, first Julia, second being Faye and the third will show up later, though it is not what you'd expect. Faye Valentine is also on her second love with Spike, her first Whitney and third will show up same time as Spike's. Thank you for taking the time to read this story and I would love to hear what you think, both good and bad.


	7. Always

**Say My Name**

**AN:** Song: Always by Saliva: _**/Song Lyrics/**_

* * *

Chapter Seven: Always

_**/I hear a voice say, "Don't be so blind"/**_

Spike's mind went blank.

Nothing.

All he felt was Faye's terry cloth robe rubbing against his chest. All he saw was the cold metal wall opposite where he now stood holding Faye. His reflection was simply staring back at him. All he heard was her uneven breathing as she buried her face in his chest.

_**/it's telling me all these things/**_

'You never see what's right in front of you!' Spike stared at his reflection as it began to blur and flicker changing. 'What's right in your arms.'

_**/that you would probably hide/**_

'Why do you conceal yourself from everyone?' The voice he heard cried in his ear as he stared unblinkingly at the wall. 'I was hurt the last time I let my emotions known.' He didn't know how similar he and Faye were. They both had damaged hearts buried deep within their souls that only desired to be loved again, but both too terrified to be hurt once more, too scared to open up to another for fear they would break beyond repair.

Faye was ready to take that risk. She just had to see if Spike was too.

_**/am I... your one and only desire/**_

He watched as the image on the wall changed to a strange earthly meadow at sunset. He could almost feel the warm summer breeze as the sounds of a little girl giggling echoed in his head. He saw her the bouncing purple curls as she ran up to a man who had his back to Spike. The man picked up the girl as a woman sitting next to him leaned her head on his broad shoulder.

"Isn't she beautiful, Spike?" Faye's soft voice sounded in his head as the little girl hugged her father. Spike choked down a gulp of air as the image faded into darkness.

_**/am I the reason you breath/**_

Faye was lying on her side, her swollen belly covered with a thin sheet from Spike's bed. His arm was draped around her stomach as he rubbed it tenderly in a circular pattern. His face was buried in her neck as he breathed in her jasmine sent.

"Spike?" he moaned lowly as she whispered his name.

"Yeah?" he asked quietly. She covered his hand with hers as he listened.

"I have no regrets." He kissed her neck as she began to fall asleep holding his hand.

"Goodnight Faye." Spike watched as his eyebrows knit together. Why was his mind showing him these images?

_**/or am I the reason you cry/**_

It changed again to Faye standing in the hallway to the hanger clutching her swollen stomach. She was standing defiantly as Spike began to walk away his back to her. Spike watched his future self turn his back on the young woman. She was crying silently as she reached out to him trying to stop him.

_**/Always, always, always, always, always, always  
I just can't live without you/**_

"Spike I can't do this without you!" She screamed to the retreating figure just before Spike snapped back to reality. The wall became rusted metal again. He gasped for air as Faye looked up at him. His arms tightened around her shoulders.

_**/I love you/**_

She loved him. He saw that now.

_**/I hate you/**_

He didn't know if he hated her, he didn't know if he loved her, he didn't know. For the first time in Spike's life he failed to label his emotions, and it scared him.

_**/I can't live without you/**_

"Spike." Her voice was so far away. Her cold touch on his face was so distant. Her jasmine sent was so remote. Yet he held her close as reality spun out of focus.

His past was taking hold again.

_**/I breathe you/**_

Julia, she never let him go. She was millions of miles away and yet there she was in his false eye staring at him.

_**/I taste you  
I can't live without you/**_

**Flashback**

Spike stood outside Julia's apartment with a single rose in his hand. He knocked on the wooden door quietly. He heard footsteps as he held the rose behind his back smiling. The door opened and Vicious stood in the frame, an off white sheet wrapped around his waist.

_**/I just can't take anymore/**_

'Even after you swore fidelity to her, she continued to screw around with Vicious!' The small voice rose to a roar. Spike snapped the stem of the flower behind his back as he managed a plastic smile. Julia stumbled to the door wrapped in a matching sheet wrapped around her naked body, her hair in disarray.

_**/this life of solitude/**_

She drove him into his dream world of a life.

She drove him to be an emotionless shell.

_**/I guess that I'm out the door/**_

"Vicious, I just came over to remind you of our meeting tomorrow morning." Spike said smoothly as if he had expected Vicious to be there. With that Spike turned and left ripping the petals from the rose off one by one.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

**End Flashback**

_**/and now I'm done with you/**_

'If she loved me why did she never say it? All she did was say 'I know' and smoothly change the topic.' Spike didn't under stand it. He had given Julia his everything and in return she torn him and his best friend apart. He couldn't believe his thoughts as they continued to run through his head, yet they all made sense. 'I was just something she used when she got bored with Vicious. A manipulative vixen.' He began to remember everything, blocked memories of times forgotten came flooding back as the stopgap broke. All the pain she had caused. 'She called me Vicious in the middle of sex. She ignored me when I told her I loved her. She continued to sleep with my best friend, saying it was just to keep him from being suspicious. And then she lied to me and left with him.'

He looked down at Faye's face staring up at him worried. 'Faye. She has already admitted she loved me, I called her Julia…Oh god!' Spike let go of Faye as he pulled at his hair as he finally saw, with two eyes wide open. He saw a damaged soul like his clinging to his own soul simply wanting to be healed, just like him. That single thought made his heart fluttered unlike any moment he had spent with Julia. Once upon a time he had blamed Vicious for everything, but all Vicious had done was fall down the same path he had. 'I'm finished with this.'

He had to transcend. Even thought he knew Faye loved him he would be ready to take the simple risk of exposing himself when he knew for sure he was in love.

_**/I feel like you don't want me around/**_

It all came crashing down together, that drunken night had set everything in motion in order to bring these two battered souls together. All the pain Julia had caused him tore every loving emotion he had ever had for her to pieces.

Faye looked up at him worried at how he was taking her news. She didn't know what was happening in that head of his as she watched him with nervous emerald eyes.

_**/I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
Inside it bottles up until now/**_

He was done being the tragic figure standing in the rain mourning over his lost love.

This was his epiphany.

_**/as I walk out your door  
all I hear is the sound of/**_

Spike saw Julia for the last time as she turned her back to him holding a crimson umbrella over her head. It was all too real. Spike backed away from Faye, only able to see her as Julia. He stumbled back, slipping on the wet floor of the bathroom.

**_/Always, always, always, always, always, always  
I just can't live without you/_**

He hit his head on the side of the tub as Faye came to his side.

It didn't stop the vision kept playing.

_**/I love you  
I hate you/**_

Faye didn't know what was going on. "Spike! Spike!" She screamed holding his face in her hands. She didn't know what to do.

_**/I can't live without you/**_

She couldn't do this with out him.

_**/I breathe you/**_

She felt his breath as she brought her lips to his.

_**/I taste you/**_

It stopped. The dream stopped as soon as he felt Faye's soft lips against his. It was something so familiar yet strangely new.

_**/I can't live without you/**_

She had stopped the past from playing over again. Faye is his present and the future, she can erase all the pain and hurt of the past, if he'd let her. He brought his hand to the back of her head as he kissed back. She was surprised when she felt his warm hand cradle the back of her head deepening the kiss.

_**/I just can't take anymore  
this life of solitude/**_

"Faye." He broke the kiss as she looked into his two toned eyes.

He saw her, Faye Valentine, with those eyes that could see into the depths of anyone's soul, those eyes she loved.

_**/I guess that I'm out the door  
and now I'm done with you/**_

"I'll never leave." He whispered almost afraid to speak those words of commitment. His parents left him to die, Julia left him to be with Vicious, and he left them all to find a new life.__

**_/I love you, I hate you  
I can't live without you/_**

'Oh Spike.' Faye felt her heart almost stop hearing him tell her he would never leave. She buried her face in his neck smiling sadly holding her hands over her heart.

"What happened?" She asked in a muffled voice.

_**/I left my head around your heart  
Why would you tear my world apart/**_

He held her in his arms as he looked down at her. She was beautiful, at face value and he had only began scratched the surface of her inner beauty.

"I'm done with her Faye," he whispered in her ear. "She hurt me too many times." He was opening up to her. Faye couldn't express her happiness, he was telling her he was ready to move on, he was opening up to her. "She was a manipulative li-"

**_/Always, always, always, always  
I see the blood all over your hands  
does it make you feel more like a man  
was it all just a part of your plan/_**

Faye brought her finger to his lips trying to calm his fury. He stopped before bringing his hands to her face looking into her incredible emerald green eyes as she smiled sadly. In them he found her soul reflecting back into his.

_**/this pistol's shakin' in my hands  
and all I hear is the sound /**_

"Wimpy girls aren't my style any more." He said moving closer to her face smiling. "I like 'em tough." He slid his hands back into her violet hair as he kissed her ruby lips sweetly first.

**_/I love you  
I hate you/_**

Faye pressed her hand against his bare chest as the other one slid down his throat to rest on his collarbone. He pressed against the back of her head deepening the kiss.

_**/I can't live without you, **__**I breathe you, **__**I taste you/**_

'I can't do this without you Spike…'

_**/I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
this life of solitude/**_

'I'm not gonna let a memory rule my life.' Spike ran his hands through Faye's hair. 'She's so differ-' He stopped thinking as he realized he was still comparing Faye to his lost love, seeing if she measured up.

_**/I guess that I'm out the door  
and now I'm done with you/**_

Spike broke the kiss as he heard the metal door of the bathroom slide open.

**_/I love you/_**

He'd have to wait and see if he was truly falling in love with her.

_**/I hate you/**_

Jet coughed nervously as Faye backed away from Spike holding her robe closed tightly as her cheeks flushed a light pink color.

_**/I can't live without you  
I love you  
I hate you/**_

'Maybe I am falling…'

_**/I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore  
this life of solitude/**_

He grabbed his boxer from the floor and pulled them on under the towel.

_**/I pick myself off the floor/**_

Faye helped him stand up as he draped the towel over his head. Spike stopped and looked at Jet in a pink terry cloth robe with a pink plastic shower kit, complete with shower cap and a small rubber ducky. Faye held on to his hand as they stood outside the bathroom. She was so close to him, so warm, so vibrant. It felt strange, but right.

_**/and now I'm done with you/**_

"Thank you for saying what you said in there, Spike," Faye said as she looked at her bare feet. He looked at her.

_**/Always/**_

"Do you still mean it when you said you loved me?" He asked in a tone that was lightly dripped with cockiness as he grinned like there was no tomorrow. Faye smiled knowing he was still Spike Spiegel the man she couldn't live without.

_**/Always/**_

Faye kissed his lips quickly before turning away to go to her room. She looked back over her shoulder smiling.

_**/Always/**_

"Always and forever cowboy."

* * *

**AN:** The next chapter is called Maybe!


	8. Maybe

**Say My Name**

**AN:** Song: Maybe: /_**song lyrics**_/; 'thoughts'

* * *

**Maybe**

It had been four months since they had found out together they were going to be parents. The only reason Spike was still alive used to be because he was waiting for his precious Julia but as those four months began to go by his reason began to slowly shift to loving and taking care of Faye. Faye felt like she was in a dream she never wanted to wake up from. Spike was slowly changing, and it showed, she wasn't just thinking it. He was moving on with her; he was growing up with her. Spike would go out and capture bounties to try and pay for Faye's strange eating habits while she stayed on the Bebop with Ed. Our chapter begins with a sweet offer from Spike to conserve water because the Bebop is low on it.

*Bebop Bathroom*

Spike sat in the bathtub, lukewarm water swirling around his waist. His red and gray striped boxers loosely floated around his skinny thighs as he whistled quietly to himself. He sat waiting for Faye to join him. His arms were hanging carelessly over the cold metal sides of the tub.

Ever since he had found out Faye was pregnant with their child he had wanted to spend more time with her to see if she was the woman who could help him forget the pain of the past. His façade was slowly fading away with every moment he spent with her.

'Faye Valentine…'

_**/we got this thing right?  
It's like, makin' me think like  
It's like fillin' my heart up/**_

Spike closed his eyes slowly letting his head tilt back in relaxation. His mind wanders, pondering his feelings for Faye. The light in the bathroom flickered slightly as Spike heard an almost silent echo. It was the soft thudding of Faye's feet against the tiled floor. Spike opened one of his two toned eyes half way to see Faye dressed in her pale green robe. He continued to whistle as she walked past him to the sink. She pulled the robe off her shoulders exposing soft pale skin and her slightly swollen stomach before placing the robe on the sink counter next to the rumpled mess of Spike's blue suit.

_**/Not makin' me hazy, just  
Fillin' my mind up with all of these maybes/**_

"So you've finally pulled yourself away from the chocolate ice cream and pickles to join me for a bath?" Spike asked in a teasing tone as Faye walked over to him. He opened his eyes looking up at her as she stood over him. "Faye!" He yelled seeing the unending expanse of soft skin. He quickly sat up, head down as he focused on his reflection in the rippling water. The slight flush high on his cheeks quickly disappeared.

"Calm down." She said grabbing his shoulders pulling them back against the tub trying to return him to previous state of relaxation. She kissed him on the forehead lightly before walking around to the side of the tub.

_**/I'm trying to figure exactly the thing  
It's like, got me wreckin' my brain/**_

Spike's mind wandered back to his emotions as Faye got in and sat down lightly in Spike's lap. His arms were still draped over the sides of the tub as Faye leaned her head back onto his shoulder. Her arms were folded over her stomach beneath the water.

He looked up at the florescent lights drumming his fingers on the side of the tub not sure if he should say anything or just stay quiet.

_**/It's like, tryin' to put words to a smile)/**_

She looked over her shoulder smiling up at him.

Of all the times they spent together there were never many words only glances and physical contact, it was the simplest touch of a hand or sultry glance that made their relationships so different and extraordinary. They had no pet names for each other, they were more of the dark and sorrowfully tender couple. They clung to each other trying to mend themselves by leaning on something close to love. It could have been pure but to Faye's knowledge only one side had admitted their feelings to themselves.

_**/But like, trying to figure out, forget it- look  
It's really kinda hard to explain  
How ya smile been burnt in my brain/**_

Spike looked down when he felt her shift her weight. He gazed at her smile, so bright and sexy with her ruby lips and pearl white teeth. Her smile was so happy, so alive, and sometimes even deliciously vile but never melancholy like Julia.

'Faye you're so beautiful and different.' He smiled sadly.

He wanted to be closer to her.

He wanted to move on.

He wanted Faye for Faye.

_**/And how ya perfume sing a sexy song to my nose/**_

He moved his arms under hers and let his hands rest on her stomach. He buried his face in her neck breathing in deeply closing his eyes.

'Jasmine, like from the vision.'

_**/And how ya finger tips gentle like the petals of roses/**_

Faye brushed her fingertips over his hands caressing them under the water. Spike's smile widened feeling her light touch.

'So soft.'

_**/Maybe it's the way you comb your hair/**_

He moved his face into her hair feeling the straight violet strands brush across his nose.

'This, this right here makes up for all the pain of rejection.' Faye thought moving her index finger in a circular pattern on the back of Spike's hand.

"You smell like Jasmine…" Spike whispered quietly as his hot breath tickled the back of Faye's neck.

_**/Or maybe it's them stylish cloths you wear  
Or maybe it's them little things you do/**_

Faye began to think about that night being so close to Spike once more.

"This is where I came after…" she swallowed tensely before continuing. "After it happened." She closed her eyes remembering every detail in blazing Technicolor. "I tried to wash you away." Her voice cracked around the words. "Your kisses…" She whispered as Spike lightly kissed her slender neck. He pulled away her violet hair as her eyelids sagged shut. She let him kiss her softly. "Your touch…" He continued to massage her abdomen as her voice began to waver. "Everything about you I tried to erase. But now I-I-"

"Faye shhhh it's okay." He kissed her ear, pulling her close.

"Spike…?" she asked quietly as he opened his eyes.

"Yeah?"

_**/Or maybe it's just you/**_

"Why did you come after me?" Faye asked relaxing against his bare chest. Spike pulled his head back looking down at her thinking about what she meant. "When I tried to run, away why did you follow?"  
_**  
/Maybe it's your attitude/**_

Spike paused trying to remember what he was thinking about when he had chased after her that day.

'It was more then wanting to know the truth…' he thought as he parted his lips to speak.

"Maybe it was because of your attitude you know the way you showed your emotions instead of bottling them up." He held on to her stomach feeling slightly nervous.

_**/Maybe it's your point of view/**_

He pulled her closer as he began to let his laid back mask finally disappear forever.

"Maybe it was cause I wanted to know how you felt."

_**/Maybe it's the time we spend together/**_

"Maybe it was cause I would miss your obnoxious voice." He teased, terrified to admit that he did not want to be abandoned yet again, to be left by someone who he might care about.

_**/Maybe we could do this thing forever  
Maybe it's your soldier ways/**_

"Maybe cause I wanted to be with you…" He wanted something in his life that actually lasted.

_**/Maybe it's golden gaze/**_

"Maybe it was the way you looked at me when you told me what happened." He remembered her eyes they way they were so wounded and hurt. "I never want to see you look like that again."

_**/Maybe it's the way we blend together/**_

"Maybe it's the way I thought we could be, together." He whispered.

_**/Maybe we should do this thing forever/**_

"Spike." She twisted around burring her face in his neck hugging him. She didn't know how to react to his words.

'Is this how he was with _her_?' Faye thought as her mind began to swim threw a haze of love and emotions she hadn't felt in a long time.__

/Remember we met with shakin' T-shirt that first night?  
That was the worst night, right?/

The first time they had been together it was vile and damaging. It had almost hurt Faye beyond compare.

_**/Well, I mean, we had fun and all, ya, that's true  
But you had somebody else and I did too/**_

Spike had been hung up on Julia and Faye only wanted him to love her.

_**/So it felt like karma and fate had formed a team  
To keep me from the girl of my dreams/**_

To Faye it felt as if the world was doing everything it could to keep them apart.

_**/But in the end, I made friends with hope and destiny  
And then, well, the rest is history/**_

But Faye was a woman he could love. She was someone just as damaged as him. A perfect fit. Someone he could help by loving them and in return love him and help him.

_**/But yo, it wasn't easy though, trust  
I mean, tryin' to turn you and me into us/**_

It had been five months since that night and though it had taken an epiphany for Spike to come around they were now closer then Faye could have ever dreamt.

_**/You my hommie, my lover, my best friend  
The White House to the ghetto  
You blend right in and I dig that  
I could never imagine this passion I feel/ **_

He would have never have believed that he could ever get over Julia—especially to move on with Faye.

_**/I mean, couldn't imagine it could last what I feel  
But if somebody do something to you?  
Shoooot, girl I might just.../**_

"Do…you mean it?" Faye asked her voice wavering nervously.

He moved his hand to her chin pulling her back to look into his face. He stopped before he could say what he was going to. __

/Maybe it's your attitude/

Maybe he loved the glint in her eye when he was trying to get a rise in her. Maybe he loved her tough girl act that she only dropped when around him.

_**/Maybe it's your point of view/**_

Maybe he loved the way she thought, and the way she spoke her mind.

_**/Maybe it's the time we spend together/**_

Maybe he loved ever moment they spent together.

_**/Maybe we could do this thing forever/**_

Maybe he loved just every day with her.

_**/Maybe it's your soldier ways/**_

Maybe he loved the way she never showed emotions, only around him.

_**/Maybe it's golden gaze/**_

Maybe he loved her emerald jaded gaze. Maybe he loved the look she gave only him.

_**/Maybe it's the way we blend together/**_

Maybe he simply loved how they were perfect for each other.

_**/Maybe we should do this thing forever/**_

Maybe he simply loved her.__

/I must tell you how I love you/

"Faye…" He looked into her shining emerald eyes as she watched mesmerized by his lips.

_**/Maybe your my soul-mate/**_

_**Maybe my best friend  
You made me and molded me/**_

"I mean it with all my heart." He moved closer to her lips closing his eyes. She let her eyelids droop slowly as he cradled the back of her head. "Just like I mean…"

_**/A better man, yes I can believe in love  
Ooo ya ya ya, maybe, maybe, maybe/**_

"I love you Faye Valentine."

'My name!'

* * *

The next chapter: Like Lovers.


	9. Like Lovers

**Say My Name**

AN: Song: Like Lovers: /_**song lyrics**_/

* * *

**Like Lovers**

Spike stood bending at the waist painfully as he looked into the small fridge. His chest and left shoulder were bandaged, along with his head. Faye's feminine hands had wrapped the ashen bandages tightly after she picked him up at a spooky amusement park a few days earlier. Cold air swirled around his ankles as it poured out of the fridge. He picked up an aluminum beer can and shut the door before trudging past the gold tinted couch.

_**/There is a paradise that can be found  
A better life to bring us round/**_

His life was so much better now that he had Faye, the nightmare he had been living had ended that day he had found out Faye was pregnant. But now he wasn't sure if he was truly living or if he was simply in a new dream.

He walked down the cold corridor to his room.

'3:30 am…too early.' He closed the door behind him as he stepped in to his cold room. He could see the bed in the pale moonlight as he walked past Faye's feet that sat propped up on several pillows elevated in the air. He held the cold beer can to the bottom of her foot for a few seconds.

"Hey." He heard her muffled moan as she sat up slightly on her elbows glaring at him.

'Lil bastard!' She thought seeing a mischievous grin flashed across his lips as he pulled the can away from her foot.

_**/And all we really need to do  
Is see the world like lovers do/**_

He sat down in the bed next to her as she curled around to rest her head on his thigh. She looked at his feet while he popped the tab of the beer can with a quiet click. He took a sip, crossing his legs. He rested the can on the nightstand as he looked down at Faye smiling. Her hand was resting just above her six months swollen stomach as the other played with Spike's toes.

"How is Miss mood swing doin'?" Spike asked in a quiet taunting tone.

_**/I want to take it easy, take it slow/**_

He let his hand rest on the back of Faye's head as he began to run his fingers through her violet hair. She rolled over looking up at him through the dim moonlight.

"It's not my fault I'm li-" Faye stopped as her face contoured in to a twisted pained look. She sat up holding her stomach. "Ooooh!" She whispered looking over at Spike smiling faintly. "The baby just kicked."

_**/To catch a fire and let it go  
I wanna give myself to you/**_

Spike's eyes widened for a moment as Faye held her stomach. She moved closer to him as the bed springs squeaked. She took one of his bandaged hands and held it to her pale green terry cloth covered stomach waiting for the unborn child to kick again.

She wanted to him to be with her through her entire experience, so far he had been there for every step since they had found out. They both had quit smoking together so the baby wouldn't be born with some strange birth defect.

Spike watched his hand waiting for any sign of moment. All the sudden through the tips of his fingers he felt a subtle attack on Faye's stomach from within. He quickly moved his palm over where his fingertips had been. He felt another swift kick that was cushioned by the flesh lining between his hand and the baby.

_**/So we can live like lovers do/**_

Spike grinned feeling the soft movement. Faye smiled to herself as her emerald eyes softened with a feeling she hadn't felt before.

'He'll be a perfect father…' She thought as he looked up at her grinning with fascination.

"It's kickin' pretty hard…" She said smiling as she let her body fall back softly onto her pillow lying on her side. Spike laid back sprawling his legs out on the mattress. He rolled on his side to look at Faye. "I wonder where it gets it from?" She asked in a sarcastic knowing voice as Spike smiled proudly.

"I wonder…" He draped an arm on her waist as he replied.

_**/Like lovers do  
I wanna feel that way  
Yeah like lovers do/**_

She wanted to be loved for such a long time and now here before her was the only man that had truly loved her for her. He was the man who loved her every flaw and her every perfection. The man who loved every inch of her body and every inch of her damaged heart and soul.

_**/They loose themselves for days/**_

She gazed into his miss-matched eyes getting lost in their auburn depths. Those were the eyes that could see every emotion and thought that flashed behind Faye's own emerald orbs.

'Spike why do you look at me like that?' She thought seeing the sweet glint in his eyes she had only seen a few times before in private. She held her hand to his face covering a band-aid on his cheek.

_**/and I need to feel, I need to feel that way/**_

It had been a long time since she had felt his love. She smiled before pressing her luscious ruby red lips against his thin lips. Spike tightened his grip around her waist pulling her towards his body as he deepened the kiss. She ran her hands through his wild hair.

_**/I can hear you thinking what I feel/**_

She broke the kiss abruptly not wanting anything to happen. Spike understood her actions seeing the warning glint in her eyes. He loosened his grip around her waist. She rolled on her other side as Spike moved closer. He buried his face in her neck.

_**/I know that what we've got is real/**_

'The vision.' Spike thought as his eyes widened as a sense of déjà vu swept over him. He breathed in her jasmine sent. 'It was real?' he thought smiling as she sighed pulling his sheets to her chest.

_**/And all we need to get us through  
Is just to live like lovers do/**_

He slid his free arm under hers letting his hand rest on her stomach moving it a circular pattern. Faye smiled at his warm touch. He laced his lanky legs with hers under the thin sheets. He snaked his other arm from under his body to under Faye's.

_**/Just like lovers do  
I wanna feel that way/**_

He felt her hand cover his as his hand stopped. She held his hand in her smaller feminine one as she closed her eyes.

_**/Yeah like lovers do  
They loose themselves for days/**_

"Spike?" Faye asked as he moaned against her neck in reply to his name.

"Yeah?" he spoke moving closer to her.

"You're the only reason—" She cut herself off, the exhaustion evident in her voice.

_**/Yeah I need to feel, I need to feel that way/**_

"I know Faye, I know…" he smiled knowing that it was not simply his imagination playing tricks on him, that was truly how she felt. He closed his eyes, his face still buried in Faye's neck.

_**/Like lovers do  
Give me the strength  
To give myself to you/**_

He had given her the strength to trust someone again with her whole heart. To love someone so deeply they were her soul reason for living. He had given her the strength to giver herself to him.

He felt her straight hair brush across his face as she moved around getting comfortable.

_**/Like lover s lovers do/**_

Faye's voice broke the icy silence of night once more.

"Spike…I want to live like lovers." Spike opened his eyes slowly at her strange request.

_**/Yeah all we really need to do  
Is see the world like lovers do/**_

He could hear the strange longing for that kind of life in her voice, that bohemian way of living simply for love.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly.

_**/Like lovers do  
I wanna feel that way/**_

"I just want to feel like we are the only ones that matter." He listed to her every word as she spoke slowly.

_**/Yeah like lovers do  
They loose themselves for days/**_

"Just us, lost in each other." A side of Spike's mouth twisted up in a half grin at her request.

'Faye?'

_**/Lovers do  
I wanna feel that way/**_

"I remember something from my past, my mom telling me a bed time fairy tale about a beautiful princess and her handsome prince that lived together forever happily and had children together, and that's how they lived. I guess its my only childish fantasy…the only one I can remember at least." Faye spoke quietly as she tightened her grip on his hand; he squeezed back reassuring her he was there.

_**/Like lovers do  
They loose themselves for days/**_

"I'm not a prince but I'll try to grant my beautiful princess's every wish." He said in a mocking tone kissing the back of her head.

"Spike!" Faye elbowed him in the chest angry that he was mocking her sincerity. He cried out in pain as she hit a bruise. She sat up quickly, " I'm sorry Spike, I—"

/_**Yeah I need to feel, I need to feel that way/**_

All the sudden Ed came bouncing in with her computer balanced rocking back and forth on her head. She wobbled over to Spike and Faye in bed. "Ed what are you doing up?" Faye asked looking over at Ed.

"Beep beep bebop message for Spike person!" She sang like one of those creepy singing telegrams.

"What's it say?" Spike asked propping himself up on his elbow his free hand over the spot Faye had elbowed him. He watched as Ed waved her arms around speaking.

"Past person wants to see Spike person in scary graveyard!" Spike froze.

"Who?" Spike asked confused and nervous. Ed gasped for air before singing out the answer.

_**/Like lovers do/**_

"J-J-J-Julia!"

* * *

Next Chapter: Don't Leave Me.


	10. Don't Leave Me

**Say My Name**

**AN**: Song: Don't leave Me by Greenday. **_/Song Lyrics/;_ **'Thoughts'

* * *

**Don't Leave Me**

Spike sat quietly hunched over on the edge of the bed with an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. The starlight of space shone from a glass window in his room, bathing his world in a heavenly soft white color. He chewed on the filtered end of the cigarette. His mind raced as visions flashed in his false eye.

He could feel Faye's nervous gaze burning a hole into his back.

He hadn't said a word since Ed left.

He could see her, standing there before him begging him to come to her.

His feet touched the icy metal floor as he held his head in his hands. Faye bit her lower lip as she tried to move closer to him. The bed springs squeaked, reverberating off the metal walls, sounding amplified by the chilling silence.

'What if he leaves me for her…?'

_**/I'll go for miles**_

_**Till I find you/**_

'I searched the cosmos looking for you and now you just show up?' He pulled at his deep green hair, trying to argue with the ghost in his mind. He shut his two-toned eyes tight, hoping to force her out. It had been months since he last had a vision, but here she was once more. The woman he would have gone to the ends of the universe to find now wanted to see him. She just appeared out of thin air and demanded him to come at her beckoning call. His heart was torn, no matter how much he had tried to deny it one minuscule part of him still longed for his fair-haired angel.

He loved Faye now but Julia was his first. He will never love her again, will he?

'Why won't you let me live my life with Faye?' He wanted to be free of his past once and for all.

_**/You say you want to leave me/**_

She had left him, treated him as if he was something to be used and thrown away. He could feel the prickling of anger and hate bubbling inside him. What once was a love no force could reckon with is now a hate but one life can end. He wanted to kill her for still having a hold on his tarnished heart.

'Now I've become the bitter, homicidal ex.' He was so confused by his emotions; he wanted to scream. 'I'll go. Tell her I'm done. She can fuck Vicious all she wants. She never loved me.'

_**/But you can't choose  
I've gone thru pain/**_

The mattress squeaked as he stood up. Faye shifted to sit in the warm spot he had been occupying. He turned to look at her body, bathed in the pale milky white starlight. He had gone threw so much shit to get to where he was now with Faye. He wasn't about to throw that all away for a manipulative vixen. He wanted Julia to see the pain she had caused, the utterly destructive force she had on his life. He wanted to see her pain as he told her he loved someone else. He wanted to see only joy in Faye's eyes, never sorrow, never melancholy, never a sad smile. She would never become like Julia. He wanted to see Faye's emerald eyes shine with happiness and love.

_**/Every day and night  
I feel my mind is going insane/**_

She was driving him crazy, to the point where he was beginning to question who he loved.

'Julia or Faye?'

It was like comparing light and dark. He wasn't sure that if he saw Julia again his hear would simply do what it had done before. All would be forgiven. Shove all the bad memories away and only preserve those few golden moments that made their relationship together seem like a perfect, rosy dream.

He looked into Faye's tear glazed emerald eyes.

'No tears Faye, please.' He saw all her emotions laid out before him in those eyes, pain, worry, fear, love. He bent down, bringing his face to hers. 'I love her…right?' Faye raised her hand to the cigarette in Spikes mouth, removing the limp, unlit stick from his lips before tilting her head up. She pressed her full lips to his in a short chaste kiss.

In that simple kiss existed ten times more passion than any kiss Julia had ever laid upon his lips.

'Faye…always Faye.'

_**/Something I can't fight/  
**_

He couldn't fight the feeling that welled up deep within him; he didn't want to fight it. No one could resist that feeling of true love that burned deep within Spike.

He cupped her pale face in his hands kissing her again. Her eyes slid shut as she enjoyed the simplest touch of his rough hands against her soft skin. It didn't matter if he did not said I love you everyday, that wasn't him, a kiss was simple enough.

"Faye I love you," he whispered against her lips as he idly rubbed her hot cheeks with the callused pad of his thumb.

_**/Don't leave me/**_

Her eyes still closed she begged him to stay.

"Then don't leave me." She hugged his neck pulling him on to the bed next to her. She never wanted him to leave her. Hadn't he promised he would never leave?

_**/Don't leave me/**_

"But I have to. I have to tell her its over and that I'm with someone that she'll never measure up to." He got off the bed, leaving Faye behind. Logically, she understood, but it couldn't drive away her fears and doubts.

He changed into his normal blue suit, tugging on the yellow shirt over his bandages and buttoning it up. He was rolling up the sleeves when Faye came to him, finally moving from the bed.

'Give him something, Faye, so he won't forget,' a voice whispered in Faye's ear as she pulled at the gold bracelet around her wrist. She took his hand in hers giving him the bracelet. He looked at her cocking an eyebrow.

"Wear it? For me." __

/A blank expression  
Covering your face/

He slipped it on with a blank face.

"I'll come back don't worry." There was no expression in his flat voice. She knew what he was doing was very serious; he was finally going to forget his past for sure. He could finally find his closure.

He brushed past her, walking to the door.

_**/I'm looking for directions  
For out of this place/**_

She followed him down the hall to the hanger. He was really going to leave.

'I'm sorry Faye, I don't want you to think I'm leaving forever I just need closure. I need for her to know it's over. I need a real ending to my dream in order to start truly living with you.'

_**/I start to wonder/**_

'What if he is lying? What if he's gonna run off with Julia?' She held her swollen stomach as she trudged after him. She wanted to see him leave; she wanted to make sure he was going to come back.

_**/If you'll come back/**_

'What if he's never going to come back?' Faye tried to brush those thoughts away as Spike stopped to look back at her. She saw a strange emotions flash in his two toned auburn eyes when he looked at her face.

_**/I feel the rain storming after thunder/**_

A storm of emotions was brewing in both of them.

_**/I can't hold back/**_

She quickly brushed away a single tear that escaped the corner of her wide, green eyes. __

/Don't leave me/

"Spike, come back," she whispered. He quickly walked back to her, wrapping his arms around her. He buried his face in her jasmine scented neck, holdin her close to his warm frame as she held him tightly.__

/I'll go for miles/

"I'll come back don't worry." His hot breath tickled her skin as he spoke. He kissed her neck, breathing in her scent one last time.

_**/Till I find you/**_

"I'd search all of the heavens 'til I found you," he murmured in her ear. She shut her eyes, squeezing him tightly before letting go. She knew he had to do this, do this for them, for their child.

_**/You say you want to leave me/**_

'Why do you want to leave?' Under her rational thinking mind she couldn't understand, she didn't know why he wouldn't just let the past die.

_**/But you can't choose/**_

Spike turned his back on her and began walking away. She couldn't make his decisions for him. She just had to trust him; she had to have faith in him. She reached out silently to him as her eyes began to mist over with unshed tears.

_**/I've gone thru pain/  
**_

She didn't want to feel this pain. The rejection of being left behind.

_**/Every day and night/  
**_

She had lived with that pain before, nights and days on end full of a dark ache that loomed over her. She wasn't ready to live like that again with out him.

_**/I feel my mind is going insane/**_

She knew he was just going to end his former life so he could start over, but she couldn't stop the nagging voice in her that screamed he would never come back. It was the same voice that taunted her before.

'He'll remember his love for her and push away all the bad memories, just like he did before and you'll be alone with his bastard.' She wanted to scream. She didn't know what was happening; she didn't know what to believe.

_**/Something I can't fight/**_

Faye leaned against the metal wall of the hanger, clutching her stomach in pain. Her eyes spilt over with tears she could no longer hold back. Her body crumpled to the ground.

"I can't live without you," she whispered, gritting her teeth as she felt something within her break.

_**/Don't leave me/**_

__'Spike don't leave me!'_**  
**_

_**/Don't leave me/**_

But he was already gone…

* * *

Next Chapter: Used to Love Her


	11. Used to Love Her

**Say My Name**

**AN**: Song: Used To Love Her by Guns N Roses. _**/Song Lyrics/; '**__Thoughts'_

* * *

**Used to Love Her**

The freezing rain poured down from the fake heavens on the blood red planet of Mars. He stood waiting. The water glistened as it ran down the sides of the marble headstones that stood proud in the cemetery. His hands were stuffed in his pockets casually. His white bandages becoming damp with rain. He looked around the empty grounds as a chill ran up his spine.

_**/I used to love her/**_

"Spike?" Her cold voice called to him as he felt her presents. His head snapped to look at her as water flew from his soaking hair. He felt his heart jump into his throat.

"Julia…" he sighed as his eyes glazed with a strange look. She was still as beautiful as when he had last seen her. She held a red umbrella above her head protecting her perfect blond locks from dampening. In her other hand she clutched a gleaming silver hand gun.

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

He pulled his hand from his pocket as a small click of gold rang in his ears. He felt the cold wet metal against his warm skin.

'_Faye_.' He blinked away the rain as his eyes hardened.

"I have something I want…" he paused as she moved closer to him so he was under the red protection of her umbrella as she lowered the gun.

_**/I used to love her/**_

"…to tell you." She smiled her sad smile as she pressed her lips against his. She touched his wet face with her hand and caressed his cheek deepening the kiss. He felt the cold metal of the gun press against his face. His body tensed as he felt her soft lips against his.

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

His mind wanted to give in, wanted to love her, wanted run off with her, but his heart screamed no. His heart would never be hers again. He pulled back and shoved her away. His two toned eyes blazed with hate. He wiped his mouth off with his hand in disgust and revulsion.

_**/I had to put her six feet under/**_

He stopped as his thin lips pressed against the gold bracelet. His eyes softened. 'Jasmine.'

_**/And I can still hear her complain/**_

"Spike?" Julia cried as she regained her footing a confused expression etched across her pale face. "What is it?" She questioned.

"Do you really think I'd just come running back to you after you left me?" Spike asked coldly with a muffled voice. Julia's cold blue stare landed on the gold bracelet Spike seemed so transfixed by.

"What is that?" She questioned in a sneer appalled by the item he wore that seemed not to belong to him but to a woman. He looked at her as she pointed the gun at the offending jewelry.

_**/I used to love her/**_

'_How could I have ever loved her_?' He moved his arm from his face and let if fall limp against his body. '_Manipulative vixen_.'

"It's Faye's bracelet." His voice was flat, dead. He saw a flash of jealousy and pain behind her eyes.

"Faye?" Her face recoiled in detestation at the woman's name. "Who's she?" Her voice was now at a dangerous tone almost on the verge of screaming.

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

Spike smiled as he answer.

"The woman I love." He paused and added the spiteful final sentence. "The only woman who has ever loved me." That's when she snapped. He could see it in her eyes, that blind hatred he had seen many times before, but never in her eyes.

_**/I knew I'd miss her/**_

He'd never miss her if she were gone.

"What?" She screamed pulling the trigger of the gun in a burst of unbridled rage. The hot bullet grazed his cheek as he stared at her wide-eyed. She had shot at him. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted to see blood. He felt his veins pulse nervously as he tried to keep calm. "I loved you! Me!" she screamed firing again. The bullet lodged itself in his shoulder in a blast of white-hot pain. He stumbled back slightly by the force of the speeding bullet.

_**/So I had to keep her/**_

"No. You. Didn't." He yelled back furiously. He moved towards her quickly gripping her wrist tightly in a firm grip. "If had why would you leave without a fight? And don't for one moment think calling me to come to you after years of torment and pain looking for you will make up for all the pain I've had to suffer." He could see the sudden fear in her eyes as she inhaled deeply. He let go of his hold on her flinging her arm to her side. "You never told me you loved me, you would avoid the question when asked you, you change the subject when I told you how I felt." He stepped away from her clutching his bleeding shoulder with a bandaged hand.

_**/She's buried right in my backyard/**_

"Wait." He paused and looked up. "You told me once you loved Vicious, but that was when you thought I was him. When you thought you were having sex with him." His bitter voice echoed in the silent graveyard.

'_I did the same thing to Faye_.' His mind played back the memory as it fueled the burning hate deep in his heart and soul.

_**/I used to love her/**_

She stared at him. He had never thought he could speak this way to her, his angel, his love, his Julia. He would never love her again. Never again. Not after how she had played him like a fool.

"I lived two years of my life in a dream waiting for you." He looked away from her down at the slicked cement pathway. "Just to wake up and see it was all a nightmare."

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

He wanted her to know what pain she had caused him. He wanted her to feel that pain.

"You wanted to have your cake and eat it too." He let go of his shoulder as he began to tear into her. "The only reason you're so pissed is 'cause the man you really loved, Vicious, is a psycho. And the only reason he is that way is cause you slept with me and he found out. And now you're all alone. You have no one."

_**/She bitched so much. She drove me nuts/**_

"No one." His voice had a malicious glint of joy. He saw the tears welling up in her blue eyes.

"Shut up!" She screamed realizing that he had figured out why she only now had come to him. She was all alone with no one to love her.

"You lost us both. You played him and you played me." He was finally saying these things to her, finally breaking free from her unnatural hold she had on him.

_**/And now I'm happier this way/**_

He'll be better with her gone.

A true ghost.

A phantom that can't return while he's trying to move on with Faye. A memory that will never hurt Faye again.

Spike watched in slow motion as she brought the gun to his chest.

"Shut the fuck up or I'll make you!" she screamed pulling back the hammer back cocking the gun. She was going to shoot. She was going to rip his very life from his body. She wanted his blood.

_**/I used to love her/**_

Spike grabbed her wrist using his left hand he snapped it back. The sound of the bone cracking echoed in his ears as he took the gun out of her hand. A shot rang out as her hands final movement pulled the trigger. Another white-hot bullet lodged in his side as he cringed.

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

He turned it back on her clenching his teeth. Her eyes widened slowly as he held the gun to her heart. The silver gleamed in the pouring ran as held it in his left hand.

He hadn't planed this.

He held his side with his right hand.

She had tried to kill him, what kind of woman who loved him would do that?

_**/I used to love her/**_

He paused not sure what he was doing. Julia looked at burning fire that blazed in his miss-matched eyes.

"Just run back to your little whore!" She tried to find courage to stand up to him as she saw something in him snap hearing her say those words.

_**/But I had to kill her/**_

"You know nothing." Everything she had done to him, every drop of blood he had spilled for her, every emotion of hate he had ever felt for her all mixed together in a perfect storm of hatred.

"She's just my replacement, Spike." Her calm voice tore his heart knowing her words held some truth.

'_How can she be so calm_?' Her tranquil tone was what set him off even more; her malicious words had no right to be set to that sweet calm voice.

He had never meant this to happen though but nothing could stop the memories playing, nothing could stop his hate from exploding.

_**/I had to put her six feet under/**_

"No!" He pulled back on the trigger, firing blindly. The storm that had been brewing struck its first blow and claimed its first of many lives.

_**/And I can still hear her complain/ **_

"Bang."

* * *

**AN:** Next Chapter: Buried Myself Alive


	12. Buried Myself Alive

**Say My Name**

AN: Song Used: Buried Myself Alive by The Used. _**/Song Lyrics/**_

* * *

******Buried Myself Alive**_  
_

His blood congealed in his veins as she was sent reeling back by the force of the bullet blowing through her ribcage and out the other side of her small body. Her arms flew up to her chest as she thudded quietly against the pavement. Her umbrella clattered next to her. Crimson blood began to flow freely over her pale hands as the color began to drain from her once sad and melancholy face. Her blood mixed with the pouring ran.

He dropped the gun.

_/__**You almost always pick the best times/**_

He hadn't meant to kill her. She had said the wrong thing at the wrong time and he snapped. His mouth fell open as his eyes widened. It was all a blur in his mind. He had killed her.

_**/To drop the worst lines/**_

His mindsubconsciously screamed out.

"No." he whispered involuntarily. An unearthly sound was coming from her mouth as it began to fill with blood. Spike looked at the writhing woman on the ground before him, his heart was tearing in two._**  
**_

_**/You almost made me cry again this time/**_

He felt something stinging the corners of his eyes. The salty water threatened to plummet from the corners of his miss-matched eyes. He was just about to feel something towards her, maybe pity. He knelt down to her. He held her shoulders in his hands. She spat out the blood that had pooled in her mouth reddening her lips and teeth.

_**/Another false alarm/**_

Her last words to him weren't I love you, they weren't I love Vicious they weren't even a sweet short good bye they were, "just a replacement." She coughed up blood on his hands as she turned her head. "Quickly forgotten Spike." Spiteful to the last breathe. His grip on her shoulders tightened as his knuckles turned white. His eyebrows knit together as she gasped for a final breathe.

"Just a replacem-"

"Shut up!" He screamed shaking her shoulders roughly as he closed his eyes tight. "Shut up!" He didn't want to hear her words, he wanted to block them out. He looked in her pale face with nothing but pure hate.

_**/Red flashing lights/**_

His mind froze as a siren sounded in the distance. He looked in the direction where the echoing was becoming louder and louder. She was at heavens doorstep now, knocking to get in. He could see the red lights reflecting off dingy windows in the alley a small distance away from the cemetery. He reached for the gun and quickly wiped it off. He tossed it down beside her. He swallowed hard taking in her last words.

_**/Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die/**_

He wasn't going to stay around to watch her die.

"You don't know anything about Faye." He let go of her shoulders and shoved her to the wet ground. "She's better than you ever were. In every way possible" He stood up and quickly ran to the Swordfish II on the outskirt of the muddy graveyard.

_**/I think I made it a game to play your game/ **_

He was finally done.

He took off from the ground in a blaze of wind and rain.

_**/And let myself cry/**_

There were no tears for her. He had no reason to. He hated her. None of that love he had felt for her so passionately was left. He was a stronger man than that to go back on his word and his feelings.

He loved Faye.

_**/I buried myself alive on the inside**_

___**So I could shut you out**_

_**And let you go away for a long time/**_

He would bury that part of him that belonged to the past. He didn't need to carry that weight with him for the rest of his days.

She would never be a part of him again. She was dead and gone. He would start over with Faye and never look back.

'_Another chance, with Faye_.'

_**/I guess it's ok I puked the day away**_  
_**I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way/**_

Spike's rusted red ship entered the air space above Mars and began heading towards the old shipping barge. He slowly, not in any particular rush, made his way to the Bebop. He needed time to fully understand what had transpired on the red planet.

_**/And if you want me back/**_

"What did she say to me?" He questioned masochistically knowing the answer. "Her dieing words?" His voice bordered on screaming. "No I love yous or good byes or apologies." He clenched his teeth as he spoke, his knuckled turned white. "Kept saying Faye was a replacement! What was I to her!"

No matter how much he tried to deny it Julia had had more of an impact on him then any other person in his entire life.

_**/You're gonna have to ask/**_

He answered his own question as he began to talk to himself.

"I was a temporary replacement for Vicious when he was gone and I was the only one left." He paused, falling silent for a moment. On the surface, he was happy to be free of her but deep inside there where memories that could never be forgotten, and that man inside him was dieing.

_**/Nicer than that/**_

"She just used me." He said trying to rectify his motives. "She manipulated me." He had to hold onto that anger or he might let his emotions slip into regret. "She played me and my best friend." He had to remember what she had done to him had to hate her more then before. He sighed angry he was still dwelling on the past. He wanted to scream till he couldn't anymore. He took a moment and breathed deeply trying to calm himself down. He stopped as his face slowly softened, all the hate draining from it.

"Faye."

_**/I think the chain broke away/**_

Once he was with Faye he would never think of Julia again. Faye would never have to worry about her. He had finally broken the strongest tie there was that chained him down to his past. Faye would never be hurt by Spike's old feelings. She would never hear that retched name spoken from his lips again, only hers.

_**/And I felt it the day that I had my own time  
I took advantage of myself and felt fine/**_

He had simply been protecting Faye. Yes, that is what happened. He was simply trying to prove to himself how much he loved her…loved her enough to take the life of his first love.

"And she can't hurt us anymore." He smiled weakly as he neared the Bebop's hanger door.

_**/But it was worth the night**_

_**I caught an early flight and I made it home/**_

The hanger door was open. He landed the Swordfish II neatly next to Faye's dust covered Red Tail zip craft. He smiled seeing it. Jet's Hammerhead was missing but that came as no surprise because he was out catching a bounty, but it had been a few days now.

_**/And if you want me back/  
**_

He pushed away the queasy feeling he got in the pit of his stomach as he jumped down out of his ship. He held his side protectively as he stumbled forward his feet giving way beneath him. He trudged up the metallic stairs and opened the sliding door into the main hall of the Bebop.

_**/You're gonna have to ask/**_

"Faye!" He yelled hearing his voice bounce back off the walls. He needed to see her; he needed to see her to forget Julia completely. He waited for a moment. Nothing. He walked a little ways down the hall and slipped in a puddle of what he thought was water. He wanted to cry out in pain as white hot throbbing ran threw his shoulder and side. "Ed…" he muttered threw clenched teeth.

_**/Nicer than that**_

_**With my foot on your neck/**_

He got up and called out for Faye again.

Still no reply.

_**/I finally have you **_

_**Right where I want you/  
**_

He searched his dimly lit room and didn't find her. He clenched and unclenched is hands nervously as his palms began to sweat. He quickly walked to her room and looked in he didn't see any signs of life. He grabbed the door frame steadying himself.

No Faye or Ed.

_**/I guess it's ok I puked the day away  
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way/**_

He felt trapped, his breathe shortened.

"Faye!" He screamed letting go of the door frame to Faye's room. He began running from room to room finding nothing ignoring the pain he felt burning in his side. His anxious voice was all he heard along side his heavy breathing and clunking boots. His search became frantic.

_**/And if you want me back/**_

He had looked everywhere on that god forsaken hunk of junk, nothing, not one thing. No crazy singing Ed. No beautiful Faye sitting on the couch eating some strange concoction of ice cream and pickles. He ended up at Faye's room again.

It was silent.

Nothing.

_**/You're gonna have to ask/**_

He broke down in her room gazing at her jasmine bed through misted eyes. His back pressed against the cold wall he slid down it. He could feel the blood staining the metal behind him as he held his side. His legs were sprawled out before him.

He was alone, just like Julia had been.

_**/Nicer than that/**_

For the first time in his life, Spike Spiegel wept.

"Faye…"

* * *

**AN:** Next Chapter: Now You're Gone


	13. Now You're Gone

**Say My Name**

AN: Song Use: Now You're Gone by 10cc. **_/Song Lyrics/; _**_Thoughts_

* * *

**Now You're Gone**

Spike clutched his shaking body with large bloody hands.

'What's happening?'

He didn't understand.

He pulled his lanky legs to his chest as he held his bleeding shoulder. It was so cold in the empty metal room. He buried his face in his knees. He clenched his teeth trying to calm the furry of emotions inside him.

The absolute silence was eerie.

"We were going to have a life Faye." He whispered to himself, his voice muffled by the blue material of his trousers. He looked up at her bed, longing to see her laying there. It was easy to image her sleeping peacefully, as if he had never left."Everything was going to change. We—" he cut himself off, swallowing a lump in his throat as the sorrow became evident in his voice. His voice was cracking and shaking as he continued talking to nobody.

Spike's world was crashing down around him.

"I wanted more." He fell silent as he tilted his head up looking at the ceiling. He could feel the cold sweat dripping down his cheeks, mingling with the few tears that had escaped his eyes.

_**/**__**You promised me a life**_

_**You promised me everything would change**_

_**Even said you'd be my wife  
Ooh now you're gone/**_

He had lost his only means of finding true happiness. The reason he lived everyday was nowhere to be found. He was alone with no one to turn to. The reason he had killed his first love was now gone.

'Alone.'

Is that now what he had told Julia?

He closed his eyes biting his lower lip as his mind raced with thoughts.

_**/You told me I was handsome**_

_**Even told me I was smart**_

_**And I believed every word you said/**_

**Flashback**

Spike held Faye's pale hand in his as they walked down the old wooden docks on the Ganymede harbor. The Bebop was docked behind them. Jet was working on the cooling system while Ed tried desperately to catch any kind of fish that would bite. They walked slowly, charmed by breathtaking view of the deep, blue vast ocean planet. Faye wore a pale pink sundress that's straps slipped off her small shoulders but held tightly to her swollen stomach. Spike slipped one of the straps back to its former resting place. Faye tilted her head to look at him smiling warmly as the brim of her sun hat shaded her eyes from the hot sun.

They reached a small shack selling little things for people to eat while they sailed around the islands. The young, dark haired girl working the counter spotted them and straitened up.

"What can I get f-" she stopped and looked at Faye transfixed. "Oh!" she smiled and cooed seeing Faye's state and the caring way Spike held her hand. "That's so sweet." Spike saw a small blush grace Faye's cheeks slowly as she squeezed his hand. Spike grinned seeing her shy unnatural reaction to the girl's words.

"Oh, yeah…" Faye murmured before turning to face Spike. She smiled taking his face in her hands. "Well, at least he is handsome," she said, glancing back at the girl with a smirk. "How could I refuse a face like this?" She turned his head to the girl briefly. Her coy voice betrayed her words. "You're so handsome, Spike."

Spike merely offered a grimace, lips pressed in a flat line. And yet, he was patient.

"And sometimes he can even be witty." She laughed as the corners of his lips dipped down as he twisted out of her grasp. His blue Hawaiian shirt and khaki knee length shorts hung loosely around his lanky body as he turned to the girl.

"We'll take two-" Spike paused as he looked back at the ship knowing Ed probably would not catch any fish. "I'll get one for Ed too." Faye smiled seeing the considerate glint in his eyes as he changed the order to three chocolate ice cream cones. He paid the girl a few woolongs before she handed him two small ice cream cones and gave Faye the third.

They walked back to the ship licking the quickly melting ice cream. Spike held the third cone he had bought for Ed as he licked the melting ice cream off his hand that had ran down from it. He turned to look at Faye who was finishing her cone. She laced her arm around his careful not to make him spill the ice cream. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Thank you Spike." She whispered before closing her eyes taking in his sweet scent mixed with the salty air and warm sun on her face.

"Of course, I'm handsome and witty after all."

**End Flashback**

_**/Then you broke my heart**_

_**I don't know why I was so hard of hearing**_

_**I only listened to what I wanted to**_

_**I couldn't see what was going on around me/**_

His heart ached at the memory.

'_Why didn't I listen to her_?' He thought, remembering how Faye had wanted him to not to leave. How she had begged him to stay behind and forget about Julia and just start over with her.

He banged the back of his head against the wall.

This had happened before. His mother, his father, Julia, even Mao died leaving him completely alone. The overwhelming fear of being abandoned crept into his subconscious, overruling all common sense. He felt his breath stagger unevenly from his lungs.

"Not Faye too…"

He needed her.

He needed to see her in the morning. He needed to wake up next to her. He needed to see her laying on the crappy faded golden couch, eating something he would never touch if paid a million woolongs. He needed to fall asleep with her warm body in his arms.

He needed her love.

_**/You didn't need me**_

_**But I needed you**_

_**Now everything has changed/**_

The dream he had with Faye that he had never wanted to wake from was changing. It was turning into a cold nightmare full of loneliness.

Everything was so different alone.

Spike stood up slowly, using the wall as support. He walked to her bed, staring down at the rumpled sheets.

It had all changed so quickly.

_**/The tables have been turned on me**_

_**It's all been rearranged  
Like the setting sun  
Ooh now you're gone/**_

He looked around the deserted room.

"Faye…"

He brushed a hand over the thin sheets of her jasmine scented bed. He pulled one of the sheets to his face as he inhaled the sweet scent deeply. Memories flashed in his mind as he remembered ever moment he had spent with the violent haired, shrew woman, the mother of his unborn child, the second love of his life, Faye.

"You were right," he whispered, feeling the soft cloth brush against the wet skin of his cheeks.

_**/I don't know why I was so hard of hearing  
I only listened to what I wanted to**_

_**I couldn't see what was goin' on around me**_

How he could have been so stubborn, not realizing for a moment that she might run off if he left her.

Spike tore at the sheet as he kicked the bed furiously, sending the mattress off the bed frame.

'_I thought you needed me as much as I need you_.'

In the dark, Spike never noticed the small paper note that had been placed carefully on the bedside table as it went flying under the mattress, lost forever. He yelled and screamed obscenities as he kicked viciously at the offending object.

"Why?"

_**/You didn't need me**_

_**But I needed you**_

_**Now I'm sittin' in the dark place/**_

Spike collapsed in the center of the dark room sitting on his knees heaving as he gasped for breath. His heart was throbbing in his throat. He felt the blood pounding in his veins as it coursed threw his body. Hands clenched into fists, he pulled at the material of his old jacket. His mind was slowly coming to one thought.

'_Revenge_.'

He wasn't thinking straight; overwhelming sorrow and self-pity blinded him.

He looked out the doorway of Faye's room at the dimly lit halls of the Bebop waiting to see her waltz in as if nothing had happened.

_**/I got murder on my mind**_

_**Say goodbye to the rat race**_

_**No more setting sun/**_

**Flashback**

Faye leaned her head on Spike's shoulder as he held her body to his. She sat sideways in his lap as the gazed at the beautiful Ganymede sunset. The sky turned several shades of pink and purple, but none so vibrant to rival the beautiful color of Faye's own violet locks. She closed her eyes as she began to fall asleep in his arms.

Spike looked at the sleeping woman in his arms, as he stood up careful not to wake her. He took one last look at the setting sun as it disappeared behind the vast blue ocean.

He smiled.

**End Flashback **_**  
**_

"No more …"

_**/'Cause soon I'll be gone/**_

'Why not?' He stopped.

What was he doing? Thinking about suicide?

Hadn't he told Faye before that he would search the ends of the universe to find her?

No he wouldn't give up yet, not yet. Not as long as there was the least bit of possibility that Faye was out there somewhere. Not as long as he could find his dream again. Not as long as he could find Faye.

Not as long as there was someone still remaining from his past.

"Vicious."

* * *

**AN**: Next Chapter: When I'm Gone


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